Platform

Dream: so last night I had a dream. I dreamt that my husband became president of the United States. In the dream we were entering the White House for the first time. My husband was whisked away with all the dignitaries and I was left to explore my new home. As I was exploring I realized I had a personal assistant by my side and she was showing me around my new home. A few women approached me and I immediately knew that they were being overly patronizing and nice to me only because I was the First Lady. My personal assistant stepped in and told them to stop talking to me. She then told me that it was time to establish what my new platform was going to be. Then I woke up. Later today I had time to tell my husband my dream. Before I could finish telling him dream he said "your platform is mental illness, trauma and addiction"  

Yesterday I was buying 7 exercise mats at TJ Maxx and as I was checking out the female cashier asked me if I was a fitness instructor. I said "no, these are for my whole-person intensive therapy group for women with trauma, addiction and mental health issues." The cashier quietly inquired about the group. I proceeded to tell her that it was a faith-based whole-person group, meaning we treat the whole-person: Spirit~Soul~Body." She slightly teared up and said "I need to be in that group, I was raped 11 years ago, and I NEED TO BE IN THAT GROUP."

2017 has turned out to be an interesting year of testing. God seems to be quickly revealing my "platform" and the dream last night was just another confirmation. 

Today I am part of a planning committee to build a bridge between the AZ department of economic security and the faith community. We are planning a mental health summit where my colleagues pastor Dan Steffan and Lee Pioske are on the panel along with Kimberly Konkle from Washington DC. We are birthing a community wide initiative to provide a better understanding & system of care within the communities of faith for those that struggle with mental illness, trauma and addiction. 

When working with AZ DES I was told that there isn't another church like mine. So full of resources, expertise and care for the broken. Very soon I will be meeting with a state senator and continue to fight for a better system of care within the faith communities - building a care network that is far better than our broken system in Arizona. 

I believe - only through my faith in God, that my faith community, Pure Heart Church is about to become the example of what Christ has commanded Christians to do. 

I thank God every day for my not-so-pleasant childhood. It taught me to press toward the battle. I will not back down. I am about to embark on a journey that is far bigger than me. To fight for the disenfranchised and those people you see sitting in the church rows that suffer silently wanting connection, acceptance and healing. I will fight for them until my last breath. 

Will you pray for me? 

Lift #8

Well it's been over a year since I've posted. I've promised a few people that I would blog about my "silent year" to catch them up. 2015 has proven to be a challenging year. 

After my 5th place finish at the 2014 North Americans in Pittsburgh, I returned to Phoenix to rest. Two successful competitions in 2014 informed my body it needed to rest - which is what I did. 2014 North Americans also was a huge show, I went on stage at around 5:45PM (pre-judging started at 8:00AM), I hadn't planned on competing in this show so I didn't have a room reserved at the host hotel. I had no real place to camp out and relax. A fellow competitor allowed me to chill in her room, which was nice but my anal retentive self rebelled and had a hard time staying in the moment. I was more conditioned for this show but I started holding water in my glutes. God only knows why - I've over analyzed it until the cows came home. In the grand scheme of things I was still very pleased with the improvements I made and my placing. 

Below are a few pictures. Again you will see 4 other amazing competitors deserving the top 5 spot. The woman on the far left is over 55 and received her IFBB pro card in that age group.  She left an impression on me to keep going. She has a very beautiful physique and well earned!

LIFT 8

Now for the bad news. Lift 8 is about 30 minutes from the base of Durango Mountain Ski Lodge. It was the last run of a 2 day ski-trip in January 2015.  I was feeling incredible, I felt like I was 25 as I accidentally sped down a black diamond run. When I approached the bottom of the hill I thought I was in complete control of my skis and speed. But due to the unseasonably warm temperatures, the closer I got to the bottom of each run there was ice and slush. Before I knew it I felt my right shoulder and head smash hard against the ground. I laid there stunned & thankful that I wear a helmet when I ski.  I moved my skis & legs to see if I had broke anything from the waist down- so far so good. The only immediate pain I felt was in my left thumb. Wow I thought I was good. I fell on the backside of the mountain so I immediately skied back to base to assess my fall. When I returned I began experiencing severe pain in my shoulder & back. I look back and am amazed I was even able to get back to base on my own.  As the evening progressed so did the pain. I was popping ibuprofen like it was candy. The ride back to Phoenix was very painful. In Phoenix I learned that I severely injured my shoulder and cracked some ribs. Life changed. The next 4-5 months was rest and rehab. Competing in New York at Team Universe in 2015 was out.  Competing is an incredible high but it also has lows as well. It was time to pull back, regroup and refocus back to what was truly important in my life. 

Today my shoulder, ribs and spine are not the same. I am recovered and back in the gym but everything has changed. This fall was a complete shock to my entire body - it was trauma. I ended up slipping into a mild depression as I had to come to terms with changing my lifestyle and doing what I know I should do instead of what I wanted to do.  

TRAINING & COMPETING UPDATE:

I am excited about the recently announced changes to my division (figure) in the NPC. Head judge Sandra Williamson stated they want the figure division to drop 15-20% muscle and have less muscle striation. It was this announcement that helped me decide to compete again.  This was good news for my physique since I have always been competing against size in my age group. At my age it is next to impossible to add muscle and simply put, I just like the look I can achieve with what I currently have. So for now, I am focusing on my weak areas. I would like to compete in 2016 and am planning for Team Universe, but that is a long way away.

I have regained most of my strength through a very slow and difficult journey. How I train has changed as well. I still have pain, weakness and tire easily so I train a lot smarter now. No more balls-to-the wall (I don't have any to throw against the wall anyways). My training is more mind to muscle. I try to go as heavy as I can but just different. Wiser, one might say. 

Glutes & Hamstrings 2 - 3 times per week

Shoulders & lats (some back) 2 times per week.

Heavy Legs 1 x per week

Heavy back 1 x per week

Arms 1 x per week

Yoga

Cardio 

FOOD

I try to keep my protein around 200g. I stick to egg whites (which are in SHORTAGE right now, grrr), chicken, lean red meats & salmon.  My carbs vary but I try keep them between 200-300g.  I continue to rotate rice, yams and potatoes.  I hate cooking so simple recipes I don't have to use my brain for... I use.

I had a fun photo shoot prior to my last competition. I'd like to thank Karianne Munsteadt at klmphoto.net for her creativity and expertise!

QUIET ROOM
Well I really wanted to write about my new quiet room I'm making in my house but I think I'll throw it out as a tease and save it until next time... I promise it won't be a year!! 

Until next time .... Thank you for following my journey and reading my blog 💜 Be blessed and be a blessing to others! 

They Called the Wrong Number - 2014 Master's Nationals

I have, in some form or another, had body dysmorphia.  When I was thin I thought I was fat, when I was heavy I thought I looked good but I felt like crap and my blood work proved that. I used to blame my dysmorphia on my father for over-sexualizing me from an early age. Then, in my militant feminist years I blamed men in general and the cultural inflammation that permeates our standards of women. We can always find a place to park our problems (ourself, others, society or even God).  But geeZe... I decided one day to just simply be "done" being angry either at society or even myself, I have wasted too much energy that is better spent elsewhere.  Very Freeing Indeed.

BUT... apparently I need to find another source to temporarily park my resurrected (Yet temporary) dysmorphia.  Here's my $120.00 truth:  Sometimes there are things in this life that you just have to manage... They won't completely go away but you learn to manage with proper tools and skills that you apply. We can cycle back to an unhealthy place temporarily but we push through and apply what worked in the past. For me, it comes in the form of a good old fashioned argument with my illogical self with my wise self. Works like a charm.

The Competition
This year it seemed everything went wrong. From the crazy and rude limo driver that refused to drive normal-crazy instead barf-level 10 exponentially only to blame the entire town of Pittsburgh for not cooperating. To a text from a naive competitor texting me saying "your class is up next" while I'm putting the first curler in my humid and frizzy hair. After ripping the curlers out of my hair and racing backstage only to find there was at least 3 hours until I would appear on stage.

I told God while I was having a melt down early Saturday morning after waking up very flat... "Dear Jesus, is this some kind of sick joke, what else do you need to teach me?" I wondered, "Wouldn't it be hilarious if I did really well?" I was hoping JUST to do better than 11th place. 

Standing in Line

For those of you that have competed know about "the line." That's when the head games really hit me and the adrenaline started flowing. I see all of the beautiful women. I know my weak areas so in my distorted mind I AUTOMATICALLY innocently admire those areas on the other women standing in line. Then it happens. "Ladies!!!" The backstage attendant yells at the top of his lungs, "There are 29 women in your class, tighten up the line!!"  So we squeezed even tighter as we all stood there in shock. Everyone seems to just stop and pause - you could cut the air with a knife.  That's when my brain collapsed. "Now what?" I momentarily allow my brain to spin and regress. "Well," I thought, "Brenda you need to get a grip!" The self-parent/internal therapist kicked into overdrive. I began to dig into my psyche and mechanically apply my $100.00 per hour super-faBtastic counseling theories TO MYSELF. I usually charge myself $120.00 then go buy a nice purse but this was an emergency session with myself so I'm thinking I charged myself at least $120.00 for THAT session. 

They Made a Mistake
My nerves were on fire, I stepped slowly forward in line as 15 women before me did their individual presentation.  There I was ready to walk out... S-L-O-W-L-Y... pulling myself up straight with a slight flex in my lats, stomach in, glutes slightly flexed.  I knew the stage was indoor/outdoor carpeting and the small stage was wobbly. There I was standing as proud as I could. "Front Pose - SQUEEZE the quads, FLEX the lats.  Model pose, Back Pose... whoops, lost my balance, regained... SQUEEZE the quads, glutes, butt OUT, SQUEEZE the lats. Turn. Model Pose.  DONE.  Ushered to side of stage where I was crammed into a line.  

As I stood on stage I breathed a sigh, and said to myself, "I'm done, I'm happy with whatever happens at this point.  I did my best."  At this point maybe a few more women came out, but I was oblivious.  Then we all stood there as cheers came from the audience.  People were yelling at the top of their lungs different numbers of competitors.  The lights were on so I glanced over at the judges and noticed they kept looking at me.... or the woman next to me?  Hmmm.... So I decided to smile right back at them and change my position slightly... just in case they needed to.... ummm... look at me a bit more?  

It felt like we were up there for an hour while the judges were making their decisions.  So many women, how do they pick when we all were only up there a split second. Then it started. First Call Outs.  "Number 726, Number 718, Number 784"  Say What?  A warm numb feeling came over me.  "They must have made a mistake, but I better go... "  I wanted so badly to look down at my number just to confirm I memorized my number correctly.  But alas, no time for that JUST GO.  

There it was staring at me from beneath my feet... a BIG GIANT PINK "3".  I was in complete shock. My head was spinning and I was fighting the thoughts that they must have made a mistake and at ANYTIME they will ask me to return to the line.  I was even preparing myself for that to happen.  But it didn't.  After they moved two or three of the other women around we were quickly ushered off stage.  We all just looked at ourselves and all agreed that we just made Top 5.  I couldn't even think straight.  I went backstage grabbed my phone and called my trainer.  I was fighting back the tears of excitement and joy.  I said to him, "There were 29 women in my class and I was 3rd in pre-judging."  I honestly don't even remember what he said after that, it was all a blur.  I ran back to my room STILL wondering if they made a mistake and that they might call me and tell me they made a mistake. A mistake because the judges apparently didn't "see" what I see in the mirror. 

1.  Last year the judges were different, the main judge Sandy Willamson was not there it was a whole new panel of judges. Main judge was Peter Gordon. 

2. The lights were on (We do IT with the lights on). It was a weird experience being able to see all the way to the back of the venue - just a random observation.

3. More women, less size muscularity as compared to last year. 

4. Backstage was more organized and less congested. 

WHAT I DID DIFFERENT THIS YEAR

1. Carbs stayed much higher

2. I started my cardio a lot early which allowed me to keep carbs high while keeping muscle full. Plus I LOVE cardio it helps me so much with my mood and overall well being

3. Carb-Loaded 3 days prior. I learned from my last 2 shows I fill up well and stay pretty lean so I took a risk and loaded 200-250 each day, slowly while keeping and eye on the mirror, muscle hardness and overall "feeling." 

4. My water was higher this time too. I came in "ahead of the game" which was very helpful to be able to play with carbs/water. I just learn so much from each show so this was good!

5. Last year backstage was crazy! I started pumping up WAY too soon. This year while everyone was doing the same thing I found a corner, put my beach towel & pillow down. I plugged my headphones in with some of my meditation music and rested. I started pumping up standing in line (I kept my shoes off as long as possible). I ended up standing in line almost 1/2 hour maybe even more.

JUDGE'S FEEDBACK

This year we were given 1 week to email the main judge for feedback. I immediately emailed Mr. Gordon when I got back home and within a few hours I got the feedback that I expected & already knew.

1. Posing needs improvement (duh... Did you see it? Blah!)

2. Improve overall conditioning

3. More size in medial delt

4. Improve lean-ness in glute/ham area

A Peak Into My Personality- especially for those that don't know me... 

CONCLUDING THOUGHTS

I guess I need to end this long blog with the most significant truth I learned through this experience. Our minds are incredibly powerful and influencial in how we choose to live our "big moments" as well as our day to day activites. It can sabotage us, drive us to places we later regret and keep us living in half-truths based on some lie we somehow learned in our life. 

I am thankful everyday that long ago I took the risk and the time to focus on me, my hurts and my crazy-making. My life is full and I am at peace with who I am, with others and the world that we live in.

Dedication

I would like to dedicate this blog in honor of Joan Stawicki. She died yesterday.  She is one of the reasons I am alive & happy and living a full life. God used her supernaturally to set me free from so much posion and darkness that held me captive. I love you Joan and so happy that you are now free. 

God Bless

3 Weeks Out...What now?

It's happens at this time. Around 3 weeks out I start feeling empty and almost sad. I start realizing that all of this will end abruptly. Then what?

My last post talked about discipline. It's something that allows me to "feel" in control of my life but I know can get out of hand. So my brain goes on overdrive calculating and thinking of what my next big crazy challenge will be. I know logically that this might be my last time competing simply because of priorities and the amount time (for me) it takes away from what I'm "supposed" to be doing. I will always be active in some shape, way or form. My husband wants me to continue competing because he thinks it's "safer" & healthier than my other dream of finishing an Ironman triathlon. 

So I sit here on the bike while I finish my morning cardio pondering what's next. l am feeling empty and preparing myself for what's on the other side of the stage.  I love the training process of show prep- I am so happy and content. For me - this year- the stage is just the icing on the cake. The prize for me this year will be enjoying the excitement, meeting new and old friends & seeing what changes in  my physique actually took place.... And of course lastly to place better than last year.

My Tamee Marie suit came in yesterday and I have to say as scary as it was ordering a suit 3000 miles away it is probably my favorite suit so far. The fit is perfect and she knows how to do the stonework. Here's a sneak peek 

 

Training Update:

Things are progressing smoothly. I'm resting a lot more this time around, listening to my fatigue instead of trying to be the tough girl and powering thru.

I've been doing lunges on the treadmill to keep glutes tight.

Abs have been showing for quite a while, glutes are always slow and it always seems to be the last week they decide to behave. 

This will probably be my last selfie until the stage.  I'm a bit depleted which is okay - carbs are still high enough and I'm still cutting and mirror shows what I need to to show at 3 weeks out...  so it's all part of the game. I've had a few days of low energy so I've stopped and rested, loaded some carbs and it did the trick! 

Have a blessed Sunday - it's hot here in SUNNY Arizona

 

5 weeks out - aligning myself

Registration mailed- check. NPC card purchased-check. Suit ordered from Tamee Marie-check. Hotel, air, limo reserved-check. Leaning out slowly-check. 

Balance. Time for an alignment check. I am easily obsessed. Something that I have had to manage my entire life. You see... My mind can play tricks on me. I can become completely wrapped up in something and lose what I call alignment. 

Discipline. Is it a strength or a weakness?  When I prepped for my first show I was extremely disciplined. I followed everything obsessively to a "T." I achieved the exact body I wanted... Nailed it. Now what? What happens at the end of the road, when you've met your goal? 

What if you nailed it? Achieved the exact body you wanted. What happened next? I'll tell you what happened to me. Oddly enough I found myself struggling with pride. I prided myself on my discipline and developed and attitude of "If you want this bad enough you must lead a disciplined life"

Yes discipline is good and most definitely a requirement for healthy change but ask yourself this: What's at the end? I have learned that sometimes the behavior of discipline leads to an unhealthy state of being- which in my case, contradicted my value of trying to lead a life of humility. 

Alignment is my plumb line, my measurement tool if-you-will, to make sure my behavior & thought patterns align with what I value.  It's a good check & balance for me at this point in the game when things look good on the "outside."

Food for thought: Sometimes finding the holy grail isn't as holy as we thought it would be. 

Training update:

Today I am roughly 4 1/2 weeks out. Things seem to be ahead of schedule so I think I am pleased? I don't want to get too lean too fast. My body responded faster this time.

I am doing the exact same food prep as my last two shows. Slowly cutting, watching the mirror and scale (to watch HOW it is moving). Today I am 120.6 lbs. much heavier than last year at this time. I'm thinking it means one of two things: I have more muscle (my preferred outcome) or that I have held more muscle than last two preps. My stage weight last 2 shows was around 110-115.

Workouts (within a 7 day week)

3 workouts moderate heavy: shoulders, back, & legs

2 workouts light - medium heavy (focusing on mind-muscle connection) shoulders, lats, glutes & hams.

2 workouts arms

2 workouts calves & light abs

~20-30 minute early morning fasted sprint intervals 2-4 times per week (depending on energy)

~45 min low intensity steady state cardio after lifting 1-2 times per week (depending on energy)

~90 minute Bikram yoga once a week

~Foam rolling and stretching daily

This current routine is dependant on two variables: strength & energy. If either of these change, we change either the food, rest or training intensity... Focusing on the muscle, making sure it's staying as quality as it can.

A few pics taken on Sunday

Sheeple Sheeping- 9 Weeks out

I've failed.  I'm fairly certain that I've committed every training or nutrition crime trending on most of the more popular nutrition/training sites on social media.  Forgive me father for I have sinned against the most popular cutting edge advisors on the planet:  I've done low carb. I've loaded carbs. I've done no carb, I've done steady state fasted cardio, I've starved myself, I've not prepped my food, I've trained when I'm not supposed to. Plain and simple, I've fallen short.


You see, I've joined this exquisitely interesting underworld of figure competition.  Most of my peers, colleagues and acquaintances have no clue of this which I do.  They look at me and try to comprehend the language of the sport.  Somewhat like the adult human conversation you try have with your dog?  You know - when your dog when it turns it's head sideways desperately trying to interpret and consume what you are saying, hoping to grasp one word that they can identify with.


Well ya see, today I'm 10 weeks out, my macros are at 100/150/40 and I'll prob do fasted cardio tomorrow, maybe throw in some HIIT wrapping it up with a nice insulin spike of fast sugar - with maybe 30 grams isolate with a fructose base.  Blah blah blah blah blah.  With my calculations I should be ripped by show time. No Excuses!


OR THIS


Wow, did you see so-and-so at the last show?  They looked FANTASTIC, Dry, Cut, Shredded, Full.  Who's their trainer?  Well, your friend says, It's the great "Mr. Fantastico" with Blah Blah Training Institute.


Sheeple:I've enjoyed soaking up all of the easily attainable subjective (and even scientific) data on how to find the Holy Grail of building muscle, getting lean and walking on stage to ... um... win?  It's been interesting watching the sociological phenomenon of sheeple sheeping.  Don't do this, don't do that sort of thing, if you want "results" that is.  If we want the prize in life we must find the Holy Grail... of eating, training, sleeping.... to win the prize, that is, the goal that we seek.


I've been there.  I've been THAT person, you know... the first person on the band wagon, the first person to join and follow the latest trend, the latest new product to help you get where you want to go.  There was a time in my life that I could not think for myself.  Eventually I found myself being tossed back and forth, to and fro listening to and following (SHEEPING) every wind of every doctrine.  Ultimately leading me down a path of confusion and an absolute inability to think or reason for myself. I was led from the outside instead of the inside.  I depended upon others to guide instead of my own internal compass.


When I was in graduate school years ago, it was considered TABOO to cite any 'research' from the web.  It was considered unreliable and unsound.  It seems today that we live in an age of information overload in every area of life.  JUST GOOGLE IT.  Hmpf. As a woman that loves to research, disseminate research and look for the holes to punch through it, it baffles me that today we lean against GOOGLE or FaceBook, or Dr. Oz to guide our way.  I cannot even begin to count the number of people that grace my office with their behavioral diagnosis in their hand trying to convince me, a seasoned clinician, what their diagnosis is.  Well if I just do this, this and this... in 5 easy steps, I'll be fixed!
 
Them: "Yes, I'm certain I'm bipolar." 
Me: "How do you know" 
Them: "I Googled it" 
Me: "Where did you find your conclusion?" 
Them: "WebMD"
Me: "Oh"


Oh baby, if life's problems were that simple and easy to rend resolution.

Don't get me wrong.  There is a tremendous wealth of information out there that is incredibly useful and I apply much of it to my training and contest prep. I have just learned to KISS. Keep It Simple Stu#&*.  My own body is the best research ground to research on!  Over the past 3 years I have learned more and more, combined with menopause, how my body responds to different foods, training, and calories. Some of my routines that work are known sins within the expert & popular fitness communities.


Training Update:
I am 9 weeks out today.  I weigh 125 and the scale is coming down nice and slow.  My off season training was heavy and intense, bringing my carbs and protein up pretty high, with not as many training days per week.  Heavy deep squats (I think my heaviest at 6 reps was 210lbs with a good spot).   Also, I continued to do leg presses, weighted lunges using the TRX (one foot in sling) and of course leg extensions and curls. Heavy back (heaviest pull down (with good spot: 150 for 6 reps). Shoulders and of course my 51 year old glutes - hitting all the areas that I wanted to work on.


I'm getting ready for Pittsburgh Master's Nationals! Suit is ordered, hotel & tan are reserved, posing practice is well under way... I'm getting excited, living in the moment, enjoying my job, my family (including my 2nd grandson!) and of course my hobby... fitness.

Here's a pic of my newest grandson Ari Isaiah at 6 weeks old!

Here is a video my trainer took of me doing my last set - 25 reps at 65lbs.  We went heavy using the Olympic bar up to 100 lbs for 6 reps.  Last Set of Military


Here's a few pics I took today after my workout (9 weeks out).

 - 

My life rends something a bit different.  For me: I have found peace and contentment living under grace and not the law.  I will always fail if I succumb to a popular law of the day, formula or doctrine guaranteed to give me success.  I have learned to live life first by the Spirit that guides my Soul and my Body. Using my God-given internally driven compass and filtering information carefully as I let it in.

Simply put, I enjoy seeking truth. Truth Spiritually, in my Soul and for my Body (my physical self). I enjoy helping others find truth as well: Spiritually, in their Soul and their Body.


What doctrine do you follow?  Do follow the popular masses?


What is  your truth?


Thanks for reading... Until next time -

Post Competition Reflections

Well it's been 2 full weeks since I walked the stage at Master's Nationals in Pittsburgh.  I think enough time has passed for me to reflect on what has proven to be another incredible experience in  my life: meeting wonderful people, learning about myself, experiencing overwhelming gratitude & joy in the midst of disappointment.

Wonderful people: Sometimes I look back over my life and wonder if I was living under a rock.  So much isolation fueled by irrational fears.  I had to face those fears and get involved in life.  I'd like to first thank God and technology (tongue in cheek...)  If it weren't for Google and my obsessive brain I would not have known that it was possible to reach a crazy new way of living... giving myself permission to take care of myself and learning to enjoy it.  I met Jason Lannigan (I learned later he is a Minnesota boy!) through FaceBook & his website Siouxcountry.com Click Here which provides balanced & informative advice for women in the world of figure competition.  Through his site I met Jill Crean from New York -cancer survivor (read her story here) & May Strickland from San Diego.  I also met Tammy White who's blog - Lifting My Spirits - Click Here  and FB posts inspire me every day.  I learned that Tammy grew up 100 miles from me and attended college in the same town AND the same time as me. Who knew?

It was so fun communing with other women my age and even older that love and live my lifestyle.  A powerful connection was made for me... being around like-minded people is empowering and I feel strengthened to continue the journey of living a healthy lifestyle in the middle of a world of abundance of temptation to backslide.

Conflicting emotions: Gratitude & Disappointment  I have had to be honest with myself.  I am a competitive person so yes, I was disappointed in 11th place.  My trainer said it was clear that I should have placed higher.  Then I hear the grumblings and scuttle about the "industry" ... "The judges have their favorites..." "You are new at the Master's level the judges don't know you"... "It's a very subjective sport."  "You don't have a narrow waist" It is so easy for me to get caught up and swept away in all of this. I was in "second call outs" so I knew at that time that I wasn't going to place.  After the fact, I saw that second call outs at this level is actually pretty good.  Especially since I am so new and only my second show.

I was frustrated with how fast the posing went.  The show was so large - 800 competitors (split between 2 days) so they pushed us through like cattle.  They first brought us out in groups of I think 8 or so... we only had what felt like a nano-second to pose.  The judges had us quickly do a front and back pose.  The stage was so crowded I was touching the shoulders of the other women so I was flustered and forgot to flare my lats.  The stage was very small and uneven.  I couldn't find my balance at all.  We were quickly shuffled off to the side and then we were tapped on the shoulder when it was time to do our individual posing.

Now I could let all of this go to my head but the tremendous feeling of gratitude took the driver's seat is what is important. With my 11th place, it's what you don't see in the pics below that really matters.  The fact that exercise and eating healthy keeps my depression & anxiety and crazy freaky obsessive thoughts at bay, the new found identity and confidence I have gained.  It doesn't show how my testimony of healing has inspired and encouraged many women.

When the pictures from the show were posted I was able to see the progress I made in 4 short months of training hard.  Below shows the progress in my glutes.  The progress blew me away.  What was the secret?  I'll tell you... it's no secret.  I started squatting very heavy (with a real good spot). I went deep and drove the weight through my heels activating the hamstring and glute.  I went heavy to the point of failure... where I almost dropped the bar off my shoulders. A good spot means someone stands behind you all the way to the floor and up.  I think my max was 180 lbs for 6 reps.  

I also incorporated one leg'd TRX lunges with a dumbell in one hand and one leg extended backwards with foot in the TRX strap.  Starting with a good warm up of two sets of 25 reps then increasing weight up to 80lbs. Probably a total of 8 - 9 sets.  I went deep and heavy using my straps to hold the dumbbell.  I will try get a video of this so you can see the movement more clearly.  I did these new movements only for about 4 weeks while on high carbs (optimum muscle building opportunity!).  I continued this routine while decreasing carbs and into show prep. 

Why do I compete? I have learned that in order for me to stay on track with my food and healthy life style I need a solid goal.  Before figure competing I started with triathlon, then half-marathons then figure competing.  All of these endeavors were once quarantined in my brain to the younger folk.  I had a strict rule in my head that as you age, become a grandmother and are over 45 you need to find a blanket and sit on the couch watching wheel of fortune.  When I stumbled across other women who had much larger obstacles in their lives compete in their first triathlon and half-marathon I realized that I shouldn't use age & fear of failure as an excuse to stay stuck a victim.  I decided to make it about being in the moment and having fun.

The Future: Right now I am back to my primary focus-being a therapist & pastor:  Helping people heal emotionally, physically and spiritually.  We are revamping our Health & Wellness program for 2014, rolling out a new "food issues" group that I will be facilitating.  I will be addressing the underlying issues of obesity and poor eating. I'm excited about the potential this group will have alongside of our existing nutrition & fitness classes!

Health & Fitness Goals:  After two weeks of much needed rest I hit the gym next week.  I will be working on increasing muscle and playing with carbs trying to stay within 10lbs of competition weight.  I'm thinking about going back to Pittsburg next year but it's just too early to make that decision.  I need to focus on the here & now.

Random Progress & Competition Pics:  I thought some of you might be interested in the process of dropping water (slowly tapering water consumption) before a show.  The pic below is 4 separate days prior to going on stage.  I took a picture every morning first thing, the last pic with blue tank is the morning of the day before the show.

The next pic is of my abs - I was laying on the floor doing some light crunches the day before the show - a rare and short-lived moment!!

Comparison pics in "2nd call outs" Age group 45-55 "C" height class (I am 5'3 3/4") - In layman's terms... I'm just shy of 5'4" - LOL!!!  I didn't have a scale but I figure after water drop I came in around 108lbs.  Oh and by the way... after adding water back in, the scale went right back up to 114 and now I stepped on the scale and I'm 120lbs which is a good maintenance weight for me.  The abs are soft and gone. But that's okay.

Well that brings another chapter of adventure to a close.  I hope to post again soon with updates on new growth in my life - as I face my own obstacles, mental games and fears... moving forward to encourage & inspire those that need it!

Remember to live "outside of yourself" and look for someone that needs encouragement.  Keep your eyes open to those around you, ask God to bring someone along your path.  Ask God to use you, He will.  You have a story and that story can lift another up to higher ground.

2 weeks out- unexpected stress & refeeding

So today is my 51st birthday and yesterday marked 2 weeks out to my second figure competition. It's still really hard to fathom what I am doing. In my 20's this was only something I dreamed of doing.  I had two small children, was a stay-at-home mom and lacked the nutritional knowledge.  It wouldn't have happened- I am so impressed with some of these young competitors that have a full life with children and family and are able to compete- gotta give them props!.  

At 51 I continue to feel humbled and overwhelmed with thankfulness that the God I worship and serve healed a broken & traumatized vessel full of shame and self-hatred.  I am thankful that my past does not predict my future and that I no longer have to be a slave to my past and a prisoner of my faulty beliefs and lies that tried to pull me into darkness. I am humbled and honored to work in a profession where I can speak hope and truth into lives of those that are similar to mine- to have the faith in someone when they aren't able to... And walk beside them as they heal.

Three Unexpected Stressors:

1. I had to start the grieving process of saying goodbye to my favorite car that I've had for 13 years.  My transmission just can't be fixed and my mechanic said its time. Now is not the time to have to think about buying another car.  I had a rental for a week and now I need to figure out a way to make my life work with a car that doesn't shift. My mechanic said it's "drivable" but when the average temps are 110 it's just not something I need on my plate right now!

2. We just returned from a wonderful trip to Minnesota for our nephew's wedding. The weather was spectacular and I had forgotten how nice and friendly everyone is back there.  It was refreshing and relaxing.  But prior to arrival I had a big low-carb brain malfunction. I overpacked my suitcase so at early check-in I was rummaging through my suitcase trying to figure out what 5lbs needed to go.  I had to opt for the blow dryer, curling iron and ..... My 16 oz of cooked chicken that was to last me through Saturday. UGH!!! If my brain was functioning I would have realized I could go thru security with the chicken and at least give it a try.  I had 4oz of Chicken that made it thru just fine...argh.  So I had to improvise.  I found every hard boiled egg I could find, used my protein powder and found restaurants that would broil chicken for me.  Of course it wasn't hard to find a carb ANYWHERE!!

We landed and headed straight to the grooms dinner where thankfully they had a bunch of chicken so I ate a ton of that along with plain salad. It worked. And I said no to this:

It had chocolate, caramel and ooey gooey all over it!!

Then I received a surprising text from my trainer informing me of changes in my food and training.  He wanted me to have a "re-feed" on Friday and stop all cardio from here on out to the show. He also wants me to stop carb cycling. I am probably now at 9% body fat so no need to focus on getting the fat off since most of it is off. Now we prepare for the final phase of show-prep. Here is the meal I had on Friday evening (2 weeks out)! 

What you see is 1 cup mashed potatoes, plain salad, about 2 oz tenderloin and 2oz chicken. What you DON'T see is the one lemon custard filled cupcake I ate for dessert! A refeed was very important because my body had adapted to the carb-cycling and we needed to fire it up and cause confusion.  Which it did! I ranked up my metabolism and it was on fire- I was very very hungry which is a good sign.

Now I am eating carbs every day and enjoying every single gram!!  I have changed my protein to mostly white fish, egg whites and some chicken. Carbs are still yam, rice and even rice cakes right after I train (for a fast sugar to stabilize insulin quickly).

3. So here is a picture of my suit 

I have already had some stressful issues with it.... The back of the suit does not fit me properly. I had it "fixed" but today while practicing posing it still had problems. I am hoping when I drop water next week it will solve the "problem." If not, at the last minute I may throw my old suit on... As much as I don't want to do that!!

So that's it... Not sure if I'll blog before the show but if you "like" my FaceBook page Pure Heart Renwed Soul Strong Body I'll have updates there!

Until then be blessed and encourage someone this week! 

3 Weeks Out - Progress & The Cardinal Sin

Yesterday marked 3 weeks out.  I continue to be pleased with how my body is responding.  I am maintaining my carb cycling (2 days carbs 1 day zero carbs) and my body continues to slowly lean out almost ahead of the game.  My trainer is very happy and doesn't want to change anything.

I cannot lie... Yesterday was tough.  My brain was not working and my body was exhausted AND it was leg day.  Even after 10 hours of sleep I woke up feeling drained, struggling with thoughts of fear and worry about getting injured.  I was fighting back obsessive thoughts of hurting my back while squatting.  I love leg day and I love squatting... Ass to the Grass as we say in the gym.  I love going deep and driving heavy weight.  Not yesterday. Of course I texted my trainer warning him that I wasn't doing well.  Don't ever do that.  No excuses, training is tough and this workout is key.  After all of that fuss and misery, I was able to get in the "set that I walked in the door for" = 1 set of 6 reps at 185lbs.  My trainer always says, "This is the set that we came here for today." It was tough, I felt weak - struggled pushing every rep and ended the workout feeling low and discouraged. I "should have" been thankful that at my age I'm as strong as I am and can still squat deep without any knee issues.  But we ALL have days that just SUCK and yesterday was one of them. Just move on, that's what I say... tomorrow is another day.

Today I did a light shoulder workout, 45 minutes of lunges on treadmill and 90 minutes hot yoga (today's high in Phoenix is 115).  Yeah I'm cray...  Now I rest on the couch and this is my sweet set up  (pic below): Today is a zero carb day so you will see my survival kit- diet Pepsi (I normally don't drink this but.... ), pickles, cauliflower and home-made sugar-free honey mustard.  Later I will eat asparagus and tilapia and finish my day with a grand total of 200gm protein.

Cardinal Sin: 
I alluded to it in my last blog.  I did it.  I bought a suit in a color that everyone in the industry warns against: WHITE.  I saw it hanging there and my eye immediately caught the beautiful bead work and the color.  I have always loved the color white.  I thought, "What the heck - nothing to lose by just trying it on, and besides it's used! (cheaper)."  I knew that Norma, who owns the shop, is very  knowledgeable and would not steer me in a direction that wouldn't flatter my skin tone.  I put it on and immediately fell in love with it.  I walked out and Norma said, "Dang, girl you look good in white, not very common."  The beading is stunning and the suit has more of an elegant look as opposed to flashy or WOW.  I tried on a few other suits with bold color but they just didn't FEEL right.  I feel confident in this suit and that's what I need.  So I will take a chance and walk out on stage wearing the color we must not speak of.

Progress Pic from today after my shoulder routine.  Today I basically just filled them with blood 4 sets hitting all three heads. Pretty light and easy.

 

This week I'll be heading to Minnesota for a wedding - will be looking for a gym to get a few quick workouts in to keep my momentum going.!  Until next time...

 

Blessings!

The Pendulum Swings

Today I am 4 weeks out from Master's Nationals.  I am really glad I kept close track of what I did last year.  I can see that each year of my life brings new challenges.  Last year I had a good balance between my work and personal life.  I felt blessed that I could easily find the time to train, and shop for food. This time around, it's a wee bit different.  My workload has significantly increased with long hours and changes in my responsibilities.  I don't have a lot of time to breath.  I get my workouts in when I can.  Last year I was meticulous with food prep, measuring, weighing food and tracking everything that went in my mouth. 

I am leaning out nicely but have had absolutely lousy food prep & planning.  I eye-ball everything now.  Do mental math in my head and just eat when I'm hungry (every 2 hours).  I try not to obsess and worry.  Live in the moment, that's my motto right now.  I have been surviving on protein powder, CytoCarb2, Island Teriyaki (a restaurant that I go to daily) chicken and steamed broccoli.  When I get home I throw a few chicken tenderloins on the George Forman grill and steam whatever veggies are available and BAM!  Carbs are simple and clean: rice, yams and oatmeal.

Interestingly enough, I have not had a lot of issues with the fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants 'show prep' methodology.  My body responded the same way it did last year.  Held steady for 2 - 3 weeks then boom, I drop 2 - 3 lbs. Carbs & protein remain a lot higher than last time.  Energy levels are good with the exception of my low carb days.  My body uses every ounce of carb and it tells me when I'm out.  I think I've learned what 30gms protein looks like with my eyes closed!

One thing I did learn about myself from last year.... I was way over the top too disciplined.  Can that be?  Yes, I was motivated a lot by fear, fear of getting on stage with my ass hanging to the floor, not believing anything my trainer told me.  I followed every instruction to a "T" - every minute of cardio, every workout, every ounce and gram of carb/fat/protein.

This year I am enjoying the process, relaxing and just going with the flow.  I try get my protein in but some days it's bedtime and I have to slam a shake and am still under.  I have enjoyed the solitary training and just watching my body change, visually.  My trainer says that I have more quality muscle - I don't really see it but he does.

I know that my competition will be very stiff, competing against women that are seasoned and have much more muscle.  I have to try not let this get into my head too far.  I am competitive but realistic about this level of competing.  I am focusing on doing my best, having fun and staying in a place of being thankful that I made it this far.

Yesterday was a no-carb day rest day.  Here is what that means in my world:

6AM: 1 hour hot yoga
8AM - 4PM: 1 really long seminar learning how to supervise counselors that want to become licensed
5PM: 45 minutes interval cardio.
7PM - on the couch
10PM - in the bed

Progress Pic - 5AM this morning!

Next week - pick up suit... I will give you a teaser... I committed the cardinal sin for color selection!!

Be Blessed and don't forget to encourage someone today.

9 Weeks Out-Strange Progress!

Sitting here on my back patio enjoying the last few days of beautiful weather before Arizonan's move into what we call "Satan's Basement."

Progress update WOD is Strange.  Today I am 9 weeks out and the scale continues to hover around 119-122.  It seems I am always learning about food and how my body reacts to it.  I thought for sure the scale would be down this morning as I take my usual weekly measurements. Nope: scale went up to 122 (2lb increase from last week) but my waist stayed the same 27".  Most importantly I am getting leaner... that's the strange part!!  Scale goes up, mirror shows the opposite!  My trainer couldn't be more happy.  This most likely means I'm keeping my muscle - which is exactly what we are trying to do.

I am currently carb cycling which means different days I consume different amounts of carbs. I have also been timing them strictly around my workouts.

Two weeks ago I started 2-A-Days.  Well isn't that just special...  I asked my trainer - "Wha the...? Huh? I never did that last year (silent profanity inserted here)."  Step out of the box, Brenda... Step out of the box...

So here it is: Tuesday and Thursday I do 2 workouts (one in the morning and one after work) AND I've added about 20 mins of HIIT (High Intensity Interval Training) cardio at the end of my second workout. Sunday, Wednesday and Saturday I still hit shoulders, glutes & heavy legs.

I cycle my CARBS around each workout like this:

1-A-Day workout: 50gms 1st thing in the morning.  30gms pre-workout/20gms "intra" (during workout with BCAA'S)/50gms post workout- immediately after (IMMEDIATELY!!!!). The remainder of the day is protein and veggies totaling my protein at 200gms

2-A-Day Workout: AM Workout: 30gms pre-workout/30 post-workout PM workout: 30gms pre-Workout/20gms intra/30gms post-workout.  The remainder of the day is protein and veggies equaling 200gms.

Rest days: 200 grams protein and veggies with every meal. I hardly call these rest days because I put a lot of energy into disciplining myself to stay away from carbs and the kitchen!

What's exciting to me is these little guys popped in this morning to say hi!

I think it's important to stop here and take a moment of silent reflection to acknowledge the menopause fairy.  I never know when she will show up or what she will do.  Her fairy dust was showing up quite consistently up until a few months ago when it was almost like she just dumped me for another victim.  I felt great!  But alas, the past week or so she has made another appearance! I never thought my body would be capable of maintaining any strength or endurance when my hormonal jewels were being tossed around like a rag doll on a roller coaster. Who knew?

Until next time....

BE BLESSED and look for someone to encourage today!

Psunday Psychology

As a therapist I listen, guide and provide a lot of advice, suggestions and encouragement with the goal of creating lasting transformation.  Over the years I have learned that there are a few small and simple concepts that create significant relief.  The one that stands out for me today is, "What you are experiencing is NORMAL."

The Past
As I went through my own healing from depression, anxiety, dissociation and traumatic childhood I carried a heavy weight on my shoulders.  The weight was a secret.  I always FELT very different from everyone, plagued with shame and self hatred - less than everyone else.

Fast forward to today
I have learned that so many women struggle with these same issues.  When I tell them that they are NORMAL, the relief that comes across their face is amazing.  Their countenance changes and they sigh a breath of relief, "Really?" they say.  I respond, "yes, normal."  and they say, "I thought I was the only one."

Healing and personal growth never ends.  As I have moved into this crazy world of competing I have needed more healing & guidance.  My head goes places that it never should.  I thought I should share some of my current struggles as I prep for the stage again.  My hope is that I will encourage those few women that feel "different" or "less than" in life. 

Being vulnerable has never been one of my strengths.  As I blog my second journey to the stage I will do my best to do what I believe God has called me to do, that is... be transparent.

Irrational Thoughts  The idea of competing at nationals at first may have felt grandiose.  Why?  My brain went haywire concocting fear and irrational thinking.  Pulling myself in, regrouping and being willing to be vulnerable with my trainer helped me put my thoughts back together and regain perspective. 

Irrational Thought #1: You don't have enough muscle
Irrational Thought #2: My competitors all "take" things to make them bigger
Irrational Thought #3: You don't belong there (Nationals)
Irrational Thought #4: Who do I think I am, I don't belong there, I'm old and lack experience
Irrational Thought #5: You are right in the middle of 'the change' - your body is too old and needs the hormones

One would think that all of the motivational posters on FB and great opportunities I have to ignore thoughts like this would work.... but alas, humanity takes over and I slip back to an old, familiar place.... TEMPORARILY.

It is NORMAL to slip back into old patterns of behaving & thinking.  We all do it, we are not perfect.  Years ago I didn't have the tools to attack unhealthy thoughts in my brain, now I do.  I know now that having healthy people in your life that "see" you and bring you back is vital to staying emotionally healthy.

My trainer told me three things that forced me to stop in my tracks, regroup and gain a new perspective. 

He used the example of Peter from the Bible, Jesus was walking on the water and asked Peter to step out of the boat.  Peter DID walk on the water but as he took his eyes off of Jesus and became frightened he started sinking (in context 1st box below).

Self-Awareness is the ability to know who you are, how you behave and your impact on others. It is good to have others around that bump you back to balance.  My contest prep will be fun, a learning experience and of course living in the moment.

And Now for Something Completely Different:    PROGRESS

Today I am 11 weeks out.  I thought it might be interesting to compare what 12 weeks out last year/last show to 11 weeks out this year/this show.  Tuquise suit is August 2012. Green suit is April 2013. Same weight exactly: 121 lbs.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Carbs are at 180, protein at 200. FOR NOW. 

 

TRAINING

Monday~Rest

Tuesday~Back

Wednesday~Legs

Thursday~Heavy Shoulders

Friday~Rest

Saturday~Heavy Legs

Sunday~Light Shoulders

 

NO CARDIO-Yet....

 

For those that want to know more about Peter, Jesus and FEAR here is a link to the passage I was referring to  Matthew 14:22-31

 

Until next time...