5 days out - Reflections

The past few days I have been thinking this thought: "How can something that requires so much self-less behaviors feel so selfish?"  I have sacrificed so much. Self-discipline has been on the forefront of every move I make.  I have deprived myself of foods I love, become aware of how my body responds to a variety of nutritional changes and have had to promise my husband that this will end and we will be able to break bread together soon.  But this is "all part of the game" and I knew this walking into this experiment curious to see if I could do it.

Todd encouraged me to make more out of this than "just doing a show" - He encouraged me to look at this as a spiritual fast and to use this time of "deprivation" to press into God and look for Him to teach me spiritual truths.  On my low days he kept saying, "Jesus did it for 40 days you can do it too".  Even though we laughed together, it was truth.

This is something that takes a lot of focus, time and energy, especially the last few weeks.  As I've tightened up my food, reduced the carbs and began the final preparation I realized how much time I have spent on myself.  I feel convicted.  Todd and I were talking about the fact that if we spent half as much time with God as we do training and preparing for the competition, imagine the spiritual growth that would result!  This process has taught me a very important lesson as I transition back into a normal pattern of living.  I can make more time for God if I want to.  I have proven to myself if I want to pursue Him I have the self-discipline to do so!

Training:  Today was my last day to train with Todd.  Yesterday we worked on shoulders and today we hit the back.  Workouts are still tiring and I feel somewhat weak.  The remainder of the week involves posing tomorrow one last time, packing and flying to San Diego.

Food: Today I stayed at 225gm of protein and 25gm of carbs. Todd instructed me to keep this through Friday.  At this final phase water becomes very important.  I am flooding my system with water to reduce water.  It REALLY worked for me.  I was amazed!  Here is what Todd had me do.  Saturday - Monday I consumed 2 gallons of water daily.  Today I drank 1 1/2 gallons and tomorrow I decrease to 1 gallon. Thursday only 32ozs and Friday, half of that -16ozs.  I remove sodium from my diet as best I can. 

Carb-loading the day of the show: As of TODAY, Todd is letting me choose my carbs.  I decided on brown rice cakes with almond butter and raw honey.  I could have chosen to eat pancakes or even munch on peanut M&M's.  Even though I'm craving every sweet, salty, caramel, nutty and chocolate decadence available to man, I settled on something clean and nutritious.  I carted my sweet self to Sprouts and just truly enjoyed loitering in the peanut butter and honey isle trying to pick out my sweet sweet lovely food. Tonight I am packing all of this into my suit case along with ALL of my lotions and hair products!

Body Fat: I went to my doctor's office to get my body fat checked one last time.  DXA scans are the most reliable and I only pay $50.00 and was able to use my HSA account to pay for it.  I was thinking I would come in around 13% and so did Todd.  I was very surprised to hear that it was 9.3%.  Very interesting since I know I still have fat on my body that is visible.  One would think that at that percentage I would look anorexic and "skinny."

 

Concluding Thoughts I won't have time to post these last few days before I leave for the competition.  Tonight I am blessed that God brought someone like Todd Chambers into my life to train me and prep me for the stage.  I would not have done this without him and I would not have chosen anyone else but him, he is trustworthy and safe.  I have sincerely appreciated his integrity, love for the Lord and patience with me as I ask some of the most insane and redundant about my body, nutrition and exercise questions. 

   

 

 

Do you struggle with selfishness?  I am convicted but need to stop and remember that I have already worked through false guilt "rules" that tried to tell me that I wasn't worth much unless I was "giving" and "sacrificing." I created my own rules that prevented me from doing things that made just ME happy - the guilt was paralyzing. Now I can observe my convictions and make changes accordingly - NOT feel false guilt but make adjustments.  I may do another show.  I may take three months of my life AGAIN to focus on self-discipline.  Who knows. That's where I'm at today. 

 

Interesting.... Until after the competition... 

2 Weeks Out - Unexpected Blessings

So when I first thought about blogging my story I must admit I felt embarrassment and shame.  I mentioned it to a few people and they looked at me sideways.  Ugh... that warm feeling that only a shame-based person knows and experiences.  The voices trying to come into my head and tell me "how stupid a blog is" and "that people don't really want to know how crazy you are."  Thankfully I have been healed and know how to face those feelings head on so that they will not get a grip.  What, you ask?  If you are "healed" then why do you still experience shame?  My answer to that is, when a person has had shame ingrained into their DNA as I did, it is a life-long journey of attacking the thought processes that hold us captive.  I am completely free in my body, soul and spirit.  I know that shameful feelings come.  And that shameful feelings go... they pass... they don't last and more importantly they don't define me.

I held tight to that still small voice that said, "Someone will be blessed by your story, it will help them."  I knew in my rational mind that if one person was encouraged then I would be blessed and my mission would be accomplished.  I did not want this journey to be about me it had to be something replicable.  Ha - is that even a word? Wow, the wordsmith has arisen!

Today, for the first time, I sent my link to the blog to someone.  Sometimes God just puts the right person in the right place at the right time.  He did that today.  And I am blessed, humbled and thankful.  Living in the present.

 

So I am 2 weeks out as of this past Saturday (October 13th).  We are down to the wire, finishing touches on training, posing, and nutrition.  Last week's posing session was interesting.  Todd said I was holding water, which was okay.  I was very surprised considering that I stepped on the scale and dropped 4 pounds overnight!  He said I looked "depleted" and that I probably lost water from my muscles.  A lot of this doesn't really make perfect sense in my head but I will just have to trust him when he says my body is doing what it is supposed to be doing at this point. 

Training:  I am continuing to train as usual but this is my last full week!  I am tired, have no energy and each workout is very difficult.  I have lost my drive that I normally have when I am in the gym.  But this is what Todd warned me about from the very beginning.  This part of the process SUCKS.  It's true.  The euphoric feelings I used to get when I worked out, the sense of calm and peacefulness after the workout... Gone.   I get up in the morning after a full night sleep and I'm drained.  I'm hungry immediately after a meal.  I spend countless hours on Pinterest pinning every Thanksgiving pumpkin and sweet potato dessert and recipe known to man.  I have every caramel, nutty, chocolate, sweet, salty crunchy bar and cookie ever invented pinned.  If you don't know Pinterest, you need to come out of your cave, NOW.

Food: Todd is keeping me with the carb-cycling plan.  180gm protein/75gm carb for 2 days, 225gm protein/25gm carb 2 days, 225gm protein one day.  Again, this is very difficult.  Not even a diet coke feels like a treat anymore.  I am completely deprived and am in what feels like a "fasted" state.  My husband has been gently and sweetly saying, "I can't wait until we can have lunch together again." 

Progress Pics 

So, in closing.... where are you at today?  Do you experience shame?  How does it hold you back from being YOU or doing what you love?  Does it hold you back from adventure, from taking a risk?  Are you afraid of what people "might think?" 

Until Next Time - ....