I have, in some form or another, had body dysmorphia. When I was thin I thought I was fat, when I was heavy I thought I looked good but I felt like crap and my blood work proved that. I used to blame my dysmorphia on my father for over-sexualizing me from an early age. Then, in my militant feminist years I blamed men in general and the cultural inflammation that permeates our standards of women. We can always find a place to park our problems (ourself, others, society or even God). But geeZe... I decided one day to just simply be "done" being angry either at society or even myself, I have wasted too much energy that is better spent elsewhere. Very Freeing Indeed.
BUT... apparently I need to find another source to temporarily park my resurrected (Yet temporary) dysmorphia. Here's my $120.00 truth: Sometimes there are things in this life that you just have to manage... They won't completely go away but you learn to manage with proper tools and skills that you apply. We can cycle back to an unhealthy place temporarily but we push through and apply what worked in the past. For me, it comes in the form of a good old fashioned argument with my illogical self with my wise self. Works like a charm.
The Competition
This year it seemed everything went wrong. From the crazy and rude limo driver that refused to drive normal-crazy instead barf-level 10 exponentially only to blame the entire town of Pittsburgh for not cooperating. To a text from a naive competitor texting me saying "your class is up next" while I'm putting the first curler in my humid and frizzy hair. After ripping the curlers out of my hair and racing backstage only to find there was at least 3 hours until I would appear on stage.
This year it seemed everything went wrong. From the crazy and rude limo driver that refused to drive normal-crazy instead barf-level 10 exponentially only to blame the entire town of Pittsburgh for not cooperating. To a text from a naive competitor texting me saying "your class is up next" while I'm putting the first curler in my humid and frizzy hair. After ripping the curlers out of my hair and racing backstage only to find there was at least 3 hours until I would appear on stage.
I told God while I was having a melt down early Saturday morning after waking up very flat... "Dear Jesus, is this some kind of sick joke, what else do you need to teach me?" I wondered, "Wouldn't it be hilarious if I did really well?" I was hoping JUST to do better than 11th place.
Standing in Line
For those of you that have competed know about "the line." That's when the head games really hit me and the adrenaline started flowing. I see all of the beautiful women. I know my weak areas so in my distorted mind I AUTOMATICALLY innocently admire those areas on the other women standing in line. Then it happens. "Ladies!!!" The backstage attendant yells at the top of his lungs, "There are 29 women in your class, tighten up the line!!" So we squeezed even tighter as we all stood there in shock. Everyone seems to just stop and pause - you could cut the air with a knife. That's when my brain collapsed. "Now what?" I momentarily allow my brain to spin and regress. "Well," I thought, "Brenda you need to get a grip!" The self-parent/internal therapist kicked into overdrive. I began to dig into my psyche and mechanically apply my $100.00 per hour super-faBtastic counseling theories TO MYSELF. I usually charge myself $120.00 then go buy a nice purse but this was an emergency session with myself so I'm thinking I charged myself at least $120.00 for THAT session.
They Made a Mistake
My nerves were on fire, I stepped slowly forward in line as 15 women before me did their individual presentation. There I was ready to walk out... S-L-O-W-L-Y... pulling myself up straight with a slight flex in my lats, stomach in, glutes slightly flexed. I knew the stage was indoor/outdoor carpeting and the small stage was wobbly. There I was standing as proud as I could. "Front Pose - SQUEEZE the quads, FLEX the lats. Model pose, Back Pose... whoops, lost my balance, regained... SQUEEZE the quads, glutes, butt OUT, SQUEEZE the lats. Turn. Model Pose. DONE. Ushered to side of stage where I was crammed into a line.
As I stood on stage I breathed a sigh, and said to myself, "I'm done, I'm happy with whatever happens at this point. I did my best." At this point maybe a few more women came out, but I was oblivious. Then we all stood there as cheers came from the audience. People were yelling at the top of their lungs different numbers of competitors. The lights were on so I glanced over at the judges and noticed they kept looking at me.... or the woman next to me? Hmmm.... So I decided to smile right back at them and change my position slightly... just in case they needed to.... ummm... look at me a bit more?
It felt like we were up there for an hour while the judges were making their decisions. So many women, how do they pick when we all were only up there a split second. Then it started. First Call Outs. "Number 726, Number 718, Number 784" Say What? A warm numb feeling came over me. "They must have made a mistake, but I better go... " I wanted so badly to look down at my number just to confirm I memorized my number correctly. But alas, no time for that JUST GO.
There it was staring at me from beneath my feet... a BIG GIANT PINK "3". I was in complete shock. My head was spinning and I was fighting the thoughts that they must have made a mistake and at ANYTIME they will ask me to return to the line. I was even preparing myself for that to happen. But it didn't. After they moved two or three of the other women around we were quickly ushered off stage. We all just looked at ourselves and all agreed that we just made Top 5. I couldn't even think straight. I went backstage grabbed my phone and called my trainer. I was fighting back the tears of excitement and joy. I said to him, "There were 29 women in my class and I was 3rd in pre-judging." I honestly don't even remember what he said after that, it was all a blur. I ran back to my room STILL wondering if they made a mistake and that they might call me and tell me they made a mistake. A mistake because the judges apparently didn't "see" what I see in the mirror.
They Made a Mistake
My nerves were on fire, I stepped slowly forward in line as 15 women before me did their individual presentation. There I was ready to walk out... S-L-O-W-L-Y... pulling myself up straight with a slight flex in my lats, stomach in, glutes slightly flexed. I knew the stage was indoor/outdoor carpeting and the small stage was wobbly. There I was standing as proud as I could. "Front Pose - SQUEEZE the quads, FLEX the lats. Model pose, Back Pose... whoops, lost my balance, regained... SQUEEZE the quads, glutes, butt OUT, SQUEEZE the lats. Turn. Model Pose. DONE. Ushered to side of stage where I was crammed into a line.
As I stood on stage I breathed a sigh, and said to myself, "I'm done, I'm happy with whatever happens at this point. I did my best." At this point maybe a few more women came out, but I was oblivious. Then we all stood there as cheers came from the audience. People were yelling at the top of their lungs different numbers of competitors. The lights were on so I glanced over at the judges and noticed they kept looking at me.... or the woman next to me? Hmmm.... So I decided to smile right back at them and change my position slightly... just in case they needed to.... ummm... look at me a bit more?
It felt like we were up there for an hour while the judges were making their decisions. So many women, how do they pick when we all were only up there a split second. Then it started. First Call Outs. "Number 726, Number 718, Number 784" Say What? A warm numb feeling came over me. "They must have made a mistake, but I better go... " I wanted so badly to look down at my number just to confirm I memorized my number correctly. But alas, no time for that JUST GO.
There it was staring at me from beneath my feet... a BIG GIANT PINK "3". I was in complete shock. My head was spinning and I was fighting the thoughts that they must have made a mistake and at ANYTIME they will ask me to return to the line. I was even preparing myself for that to happen. But it didn't. After they moved two or three of the other women around we were quickly ushered off stage. We all just looked at ourselves and all agreed that we just made Top 5. I couldn't even think straight. I went backstage grabbed my phone and called my trainer. I was fighting back the tears of excitement and joy. I said to him, "There were 29 women in my class and I was 3rd in pre-judging." I honestly don't even remember what he said after that, it was all a blur. I ran back to my room STILL wondering if they made a mistake and that they might call me and tell me they made a mistake. A mistake because the judges apparently didn't "see" what I see in the mirror.
1. Last year the judges were different, the main judge Sandy Willamson was not there it was a whole new panel of judges. Main judge was Peter Gordon.
2. The lights were on (We do IT with the lights on). It was a weird experience being able to see all the way to the back of the venue - just a random observation.
3. More women, less size muscularity as compared to last year.
4. Backstage was more organized and less congested.
WHAT I DID DIFFERENT THIS YEAR
1. Carbs stayed much higher
2. I started my cardio a lot early which allowed me to keep carbs high while keeping muscle full. Plus I LOVE cardio it helps me so much with my mood and overall well being
3. Carb-Loaded 3 days prior. I learned from my last 2 shows I fill up well and stay pretty lean so I took a risk and loaded 200-250 each day, slowly while keeping and eye on the mirror, muscle hardness and overall "feeling."
4. My water was higher this time too. I came in "ahead of the game" which was very helpful to be able to play with carbs/water. I just learn so much from each show so this was good!
5. Last year backstage was crazy! I started pumping up WAY too soon. This year while everyone was doing the same thing I found a corner, put my beach towel & pillow down. I plugged my headphones in with some of my meditation music and rested. I started pumping up standing in line (I kept my shoes off as long as possible). I ended up standing in line almost 1/2 hour maybe even more.
JUDGE'S FEEDBACK
This year we were given 1 week to email the main judge for feedback. I immediately emailed Mr. Gordon when I got back home and within a few hours I got the feedback that I expected & already knew.
1. Posing needs improvement (duh... Did you see it? Blah!)
2. Improve overall conditioning
3. More size in medial delt
4. Improve lean-ness in glute/ham area
A Peak Into My Personality- especially for those that don't know me...
CONCLUDING THOUGHTS
I guess I need to end this long blog with the most significant truth I learned through this experience. Our minds are incredibly powerful and influencial in how we choose to live our "big moments" as well as our day to day activites. It can sabotage us, drive us to places we later regret and keep us living in half-truths based on some lie we somehow learned in our life.
I am thankful everyday that long ago I took the risk and the time to focus on me, my hurts and my crazy-making. My life is full and I am at peace with who I am, with others and the world that we live in.
Dedication
I would like to dedicate this blog in honor of Joan Stawicki. She died yesterday. She is one of the reasons I am alive & happy and living a full life. God used her supernaturally to set me free from so much posion and darkness that held me captive. I love you Joan and so happy that you are now free.
God Bless
