First Place!

Facing fear... The journey that I have been on has not been in vain.  Twenty some odd years ago, God began to do a work in my life. Mental illness, childhood trauma and abuse plagued my psyche holding me back in fulfilling my purpose. 

When we first moved to Phoenix I sensed God in a new and refreshing way - tangible and relational, close and intimate, as my friend.  I reconnected to Him and sensed him telling me that it was my time.  That all of the desperate childhood prayers pleading for rescue were now going to be answered... that the process of healing was about to begin... in the desert, in Phoenix, Arizona. I sensed him telling me that my journey to wholeness will focus on fear - facing each fear that immobilized me frozen in time.

Over the years, each fear has been faced, processed and healed:  I have been healed from an unsafe childhood. Sexual abuse and exploitation created fear and resulted in a loss of my femininity and sense of self.  A violent home created fear of man and life.

As I was about to walk on stage last Saturday, I realized that coming out on stage revealing my hard-earned physique was to be a parallel to revealing another side of my hard-earned self. I have known for a while that I was to share my story but resisted and rebelled.  It is so much easier NOT sharing than to share.  Running the risk of controversy, questioning, and the loss of my precious privacy that allows me to stay and feel in control.  Letting go of all of that and being obedient to what I sense God is telling me to do.  Going against what feels safe into uncharted territory.

The competition was a highlight of my life.  Placing first was unexpected.  I was thinking maybe second or third place.  I went ALL IN for 17 weeks and it paid off.  I trained hard, ate disciplined and practiced posing over and over and over again visualizing myself on stage.

When I made a decision to work on my fears, I went ALL IN.  I grabbed every opportunity for healing I could get my hands on.  I was passionate to be free.  I wanted it more than anything else.

First one out in my division - front pose





First one done posing - standing off to the side trying not to wobble and tumble off of those 5" heels!



All of the beautiful ladies standing off to the side waiting for call-outs



Final placement after call-outs



Evening Show - awarding the trophies!



Encouraging others...  The PRIMARY reason I decided to start a blog was to encourage others towards healthy change.  Whether it relates to facing a fear, changing an unhealthy habit or something completely different - the purpose was to use my story of change to inspire others and I really pray that did happen!

Over the years I have been a work in progress. Letting go of the fear of letting people into my private and controlled world even though I know deep in my gut my story will encourage and bring healing.


Thanking God...  Everything I do is because of Him and what He has done for me. 



Do you sense God?  Do you hear His voice calling you to do something?  Does it relate to your health and how you eat? or does He want to bring healing and wholeness to your life? 

What is holding you back?  Are you willing to go all in?

Selah

5 days out - Reflections

The past few days I have been thinking this thought: "How can something that requires so much self-less behaviors feel so selfish?"  I have sacrificed so much. Self-discipline has been on the forefront of every move I make.  I have deprived myself of foods I love, become aware of how my body responds to a variety of nutritional changes and have had to promise my husband that this will end and we will be able to break bread together soon.  But this is "all part of the game" and I knew this walking into this experiment curious to see if I could do it.

Todd encouraged me to make more out of this than "just doing a show" - He encouraged me to look at this as a spiritual fast and to use this time of "deprivation" to press into God and look for Him to teach me spiritual truths.  On my low days he kept saying, "Jesus did it for 40 days you can do it too".  Even though we laughed together, it was truth.

This is something that takes a lot of focus, time and energy, especially the last few weeks.  As I've tightened up my food, reduced the carbs and began the final preparation I realized how much time I have spent on myself.  I feel convicted.  Todd and I were talking about the fact that if we spent half as much time with God as we do training and preparing for the competition, imagine the spiritual growth that would result!  This process has taught me a very important lesson as I transition back into a normal pattern of living.  I can make more time for God if I want to.  I have proven to myself if I want to pursue Him I have the self-discipline to do so!

Training:  Today was my last day to train with Todd.  Yesterday we worked on shoulders and today we hit the back.  Workouts are still tiring and I feel somewhat weak.  The remainder of the week involves posing tomorrow one last time, packing and flying to San Diego.

Food: Today I stayed at 225gm of protein and 25gm of carbs. Todd instructed me to keep this through Friday.  At this final phase water becomes very important.  I am flooding my system with water to reduce water.  It REALLY worked for me.  I was amazed!  Here is what Todd had me do.  Saturday - Monday I consumed 2 gallons of water daily.  Today I drank 1 1/2 gallons and tomorrow I decrease to 1 gallon. Thursday only 32ozs and Friday, half of that -16ozs.  I remove sodium from my diet as best I can. 

Carb-loading the day of the show: As of TODAY, Todd is letting me choose my carbs.  I decided on brown rice cakes with almond butter and raw honey.  I could have chosen to eat pancakes or even munch on peanut M&M's.  Even though I'm craving every sweet, salty, caramel, nutty and chocolate decadence available to man, I settled on something clean and nutritious.  I carted my sweet self to Sprouts and just truly enjoyed loitering in the peanut butter and honey isle trying to pick out my sweet sweet lovely food. Tonight I am packing all of this into my suit case along with ALL of my lotions and hair products!

Body Fat: I went to my doctor's office to get my body fat checked one last time.  DXA scans are the most reliable and I only pay $50.00 and was able to use my HSA account to pay for it.  I was thinking I would come in around 13% and so did Todd.  I was very surprised to hear that it was 9.3%.  Very interesting since I know I still have fat on my body that is visible.  One would think that at that percentage I would look anorexic and "skinny."

 

Concluding Thoughts I won't have time to post these last few days before I leave for the competition.  Tonight I am blessed that God brought someone like Todd Chambers into my life to train me and prep me for the stage.  I would not have done this without him and I would not have chosen anyone else but him, he is trustworthy and safe.  I have sincerely appreciated his integrity, love for the Lord and patience with me as I ask some of the most insane and redundant about my body, nutrition and exercise questions. 

   

 

 

Do you struggle with selfishness?  I am convicted but need to stop and remember that I have already worked through false guilt "rules" that tried to tell me that I wasn't worth much unless I was "giving" and "sacrificing." I created my own rules that prevented me from doing things that made just ME happy - the guilt was paralyzing. Now I can observe my convictions and make changes accordingly - NOT feel false guilt but make adjustments.  I may do another show.  I may take three months of my life AGAIN to focus on self-discipline.  Who knows. That's where I'm at today. 

 

Interesting.... Until after the competition... 

2 Weeks Out - Unexpected Blessings

So when I first thought about blogging my story I must admit I felt embarrassment and shame.  I mentioned it to a few people and they looked at me sideways.  Ugh... that warm feeling that only a shame-based person knows and experiences.  The voices trying to come into my head and tell me "how stupid a blog is" and "that people don't really want to know how crazy you are."  Thankfully I have been healed and know how to face those feelings head on so that they will not get a grip.  What, you ask?  If you are "healed" then why do you still experience shame?  My answer to that is, when a person has had shame ingrained into their DNA as I did, it is a life-long journey of attacking the thought processes that hold us captive.  I am completely free in my body, soul and spirit.  I know that shameful feelings come.  And that shameful feelings go... they pass... they don't last and more importantly they don't define me.

I held tight to that still small voice that said, "Someone will be blessed by your story, it will help them."  I knew in my rational mind that if one person was encouraged then I would be blessed and my mission would be accomplished.  I did not want this journey to be about me it had to be something replicable.  Ha - is that even a word? Wow, the wordsmith has arisen!

Today, for the first time, I sent my link to the blog to someone.  Sometimes God just puts the right person in the right place at the right time.  He did that today.  And I am blessed, humbled and thankful.  Living in the present.

 

So I am 2 weeks out as of this past Saturday (October 13th).  We are down to the wire, finishing touches on training, posing, and nutrition.  Last week's posing session was interesting.  Todd said I was holding water, which was okay.  I was very surprised considering that I stepped on the scale and dropped 4 pounds overnight!  He said I looked "depleted" and that I probably lost water from my muscles.  A lot of this doesn't really make perfect sense in my head but I will just have to trust him when he says my body is doing what it is supposed to be doing at this point. 

Training:  I am continuing to train as usual but this is my last full week!  I am tired, have no energy and each workout is very difficult.  I have lost my drive that I normally have when I am in the gym.  But this is what Todd warned me about from the very beginning.  This part of the process SUCKS.  It's true.  The euphoric feelings I used to get when I worked out, the sense of calm and peacefulness after the workout... Gone.   I get up in the morning after a full night sleep and I'm drained.  I'm hungry immediately after a meal.  I spend countless hours on Pinterest pinning every Thanksgiving pumpkin and sweet potato dessert and recipe known to man.  I have every caramel, nutty, chocolate, sweet, salty crunchy bar and cookie ever invented pinned.  If you don't know Pinterest, you need to come out of your cave, NOW.

Food: Todd is keeping me with the carb-cycling plan.  180gm protein/75gm carb for 2 days, 225gm protein/25gm carb 2 days, 225gm protein one day.  Again, this is very difficult.  Not even a diet coke feels like a treat anymore.  I am completely deprived and am in what feels like a "fasted" state.  My husband has been gently and sweetly saying, "I can't wait until we can have lunch together again." 

Progress Pics 

So, in closing.... where are you at today?  Do you experience shame?  How does it hold you back from being YOU or doing what you love?  Does it hold you back from adventure, from taking a risk?  Are you afraid of what people "might think?" 

Until Next Time - ....

3 weeks out!

Well, I think I can say the party's over.  Those good days I described in previous posts are now replaced with fatigue and fog.  The phrase that pops into my head is "putting the nose to the grindstone!"  The past two weeks have taken a strange but expected turn that most people have warned me about.  Fatigue, irritability, low brain function, and lack of motivation.  The symptoms I am experiencing now were the ones that went away along time ago when I decided to change how I ate.  It's amazing how important the role of food plays in how you feel!  Apparently this is all part of the process and at this point I'm trying real hard to stay in the moment and "enjoy" the process.

Food Todd changed my food last week, I am now "carb-cycling." I am on a 5 day rotation.  The first two days I eat 225gms protein and 25gms carbs, the third day I eat only 225 gms of protein and the last two days 180 gms protein and 75 gms carbs.  The first three days are the toughest, naturally!  25 grams of carbs is NOTHING and it took me about an hour trying to figure out spliting 50% of 25gms between breakfast and post workout and then splitting the remaining morsels between the other meals.  It sounds complicated and it somewhat was. By the third day (no carbs whatsoevery), I am shot... that's where the fatigue and low brain function come into play.

My current protein sources are tilapia, ground turkey breast (99% fat free), chicken breast and egg whites.  My carbs remain white & brown rice and yam.

Last week I started noticing some bloating so for one week I eliminated my sugar-free pancake syrup and diet soda.  THAT WAS HARD.... I had no pleasure food whatsoever! I still feel bloated and don't quite know the source yet.

Training I can only think of a couple words right now: IT SUCKS.  The fatigue and lack of motivation distract me from the joy I normally have when I walk into the gym.  I am weak and tired and push through every set and every repitition.

Last week I strained my low back doing stiff legged dead lifts.  Today (5 days later) I am much better after applying heat/ice on my back.  Sunday I dropped a 35 lb plate on my pinky.  I attribute these injuries to lack of focus and not paying close attention to what I amdoing.

My workout routine remains the same, and extra day of lunges on the treadmill.  Right now the main goal is hitting all of my muscle groups hard and keeping the muscle full and to the surface.

Competition Suit  Last Friday we headed to NUPARR to order our suits.  I ended up choosing a bright periwinkle blue suit.  I will go back this Friday for the fitting and order the "bling" (crystals).  It's hitting home that in less than 3 weeks I will be on stage showing all of my hard work!

October 7th: My Anniversary & My Grandson's birthday So yesterday my husband and I celebrated our 30th wedding anniversary and our grandson Ravi's first birthday.  This was a very tough day.  It's not every day that you acheive these two milestones and on the same day.  The party for Ravi was held in Saroj and Ramesh's backyard (my son-in-law's parent's house).  The weather was absolutely beautiful, the backyard decorated with first birthday "everything."  I wanted so bad to eat the wonderful cake and the fantastic food that Ramesh and Saroj put together.  I had moments of strong temptation to eat the pita chips, tortilla chips and the fresh cilantro jalepeno hummus.  Oh an not to mention Saroj's exquisite potato salad, one of my all time favorite foods.  I struggled the entire evening.  I did lick the frosting in honor of Ravi - I don't think that will set me back too far!

 

So I have finally noticed some significant changes in my physique.  I am excited to show you the changes!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 Today as I finish this blog I remind myself that why I am doing this.  I want to learn about self-discipline, grow through "not caring so much about what people think of me" and just feel connected to myself in a new way.  Is doing a figure competition the best way to accomplish this?  Up to this point my answer is most definitely a YES.  I needed a goal that would push me to stay strong and finish the race! 

What goals do you have, if any?  Are they acheivable? Realistic?

Until next time....

6 Weeks out!!

So by this Friday I will actually be 3 weeks out from the show but life just got in the way and I admit it, I'm a slacker with my grandious idea of a beautifully laid out blog describing the details of my thoughts and progress on this journey.

I will say that I have never in my life become so in tune with my body, my physique and nutrition! When a person like me has lived MOST of her life detatched from the 'physical self, it is an eye opener. Sometimes I wonder how many other people just detach themselves unintentionally or intentionally?  I love the feeling of reconnection to myself - it's invigorating and makes me feel alive.  Being detached and feeling like you are in a dream is a strange concept to most... but I love the temporary feeling of connection. 

Food
At 6 weeks out, Todd decided to keep my protein at 180 grams and carbs at 75 grams.  He said I was still coming down nicely and didn't want me to get too lean too fast.  There is a concept in training for competion called "peaking."  - that is the sweet spot where you look your absolute best. Todd said I'm pretty lean right now and doesn't want to run the risk of peaking too soon.

I am no longer on any grains as a source for carbs.  I am strictly eating only yams and rice. Yup - just that!! It is amazing how GOOD I feel.  I have been tossing around the idea of eating more gluten-free, even though I am able to handle gluten so far.

My breakfast includes 30 gms of eggwhites cooked with sugar-free pancake syrup and and nice side of white rice.  Todd wants me to use the white rice as my "fast carb" first thing in the morning to raise my blood sugar.  So far it's been working nicely.

I continue to cook my fish and chicken.  I buy the Kirkland chicken breasts from Costco.  They are the leanest and taste the best! I have tried all kinds of chicken at local groceries sacrificing quality for price.  At this stage of the game, I need good chicken and will pay a few extra cents for fresh and tasty chicken.

Training
Todd has asked that I start hitting my high hamstring and glute AND my shoulders 3 times a week. My shoulders are coming in nicely but I still need to hit them to keep the muscle hard.  My age is really showing in my glutes! I cant reverse sagging skin but I can certaintly work my "ASS" off trying to tighten things up as much as I can.  Todd said the goal is to try bring as much of the muscle to the surface which is what I am trying to do.

Specifice high hamstring low glute workouts usually consist of Smith Machine leg presses (see previous video post), heavy deep lunges with 35 lbs weights, glute flexor holding a 35lb plate, TRX lunges, and stiff legged dead lifts using the olympic bar-close grip legs straight, together and TIGHT... squeezing those glutes and hamstrings!

Progress Pics

So here I am at about 116 lbs.  I hope you can see the difference.  These pics were very encouraging for me... I have been doing this for a while now and wasn't really seeing my muscle come to the surface so I was pleased.

 

 

 

Here you get a sneak peek of a "model" pose that is required for the San Diego show.

Subjective Thoughts
I have always enjoyed studying human behavior - other people and my own quirky self. So it's probably time to start talking about how different people react to what I'm doing. Sometimes I think I create my own insanity.  I automatically assume that people are going to judge me negatively... tell me I'm self-centered, self-obsessed and narcissistic or any other "self" absorbed word you can think of. 

As I get leaner (and today at almost 3 weeks out, I am very very lean), I am getting all sorts of comments and stares.  When I enter the gym, men are sneeking a peek at me while I train.  I don't quite know what to do with all of that.  I don't know what they are thinking and probably shouldn't care.  I do wonder if they know if I am 50... "dude, I'm 50" It's just an interesting observation.

I can really see how women can fall into the trap of feeling good about themselves by how they look and by how men stare.  As a therapist, I know all to well who those women are.  The temporary high of feeling attractive and loved by mere appearance alone.  Getting trapped in a lost identity that is literally only skin-deep.  Then it becomes my job to walk along side of them and clean up the mess and help them restore their identity.

My father sexualized women.  He sexualized me.  What does all of that mean?  I know one thing.  He could only view women as sex.  This has had a profound impact on me.  One of my life-struggles is trying to figure out what it means to be female.  My most important role model, my father, contaminated my brain and identity so I have been on a journey of discovery.  For years I have had a self-hatred of my body.  My dysmorphic thoughts have told me that I have a very boyish shape and lack feminity and beauty.  I have hated the way I walk and the way I look and society's standards (and my father's) tell me I don't measure up.  So this process I am in has been healing at another deeper level. I detached from my feminine self long ago - and - my journey of healing that began 23 years ago still continues today.

Romans 8:28 says, "We are assured and know that [ God being a partner in their labor] all things work together and are [fitting into a plan] for good to and for those who love God and are called according to [His] design and purpose"

Yes, even the crappiest of crap... God can use.  I want only to be an encouragement and example that self-discipline produces change and that YOU can do it too.  You are worth it.