They Called the Wrong Number - 2014 Master's Nationals

I have, in some form or another, had body dysmorphia.  When I was thin I thought I was fat, when I was heavy I thought I looked good but I felt like crap and my blood work proved that. I used to blame my dysmorphia on my father for over-sexualizing me from an early age. Then, in my militant feminist years I blamed men in general and the cultural inflammation that permeates our standards of women. We can always find a place to park our problems (ourself, others, society or even God).  But geeZe... I decided one day to just simply be "done" being angry either at society or even myself, I have wasted too much energy that is better spent elsewhere.  Very Freeing Indeed.

BUT... apparently I need to find another source to temporarily park my resurrected (Yet temporary) dysmorphia.  Here's my $120.00 truth:  Sometimes there are things in this life that you just have to manage... They won't completely go away but you learn to manage with proper tools and skills that you apply. We can cycle back to an unhealthy place temporarily but we push through and apply what worked in the past. For me, it comes in the form of a good old fashioned argument with my illogical self with my wise self. Works like a charm.

The Competition
This year it seemed everything went wrong. From the crazy and rude limo driver that refused to drive normal-crazy instead barf-level 10 exponentially only to blame the entire town of Pittsburgh for not cooperating. To a text from a naive competitor texting me saying "your class is up next" while I'm putting the first curler in my humid and frizzy hair. After ripping the curlers out of my hair and racing backstage only to find there was at least 3 hours until I would appear on stage.

I told God while I was having a melt down early Saturday morning after waking up very flat... "Dear Jesus, is this some kind of sick joke, what else do you need to teach me?" I wondered, "Wouldn't it be hilarious if I did really well?" I was hoping JUST to do better than 11th place. 

Standing in Line

For those of you that have competed know about "the line." That's when the head games really hit me and the adrenaline started flowing. I see all of the beautiful women. I know my weak areas so in my distorted mind I AUTOMATICALLY innocently admire those areas on the other women standing in line. Then it happens. "Ladies!!!" The backstage attendant yells at the top of his lungs, "There are 29 women in your class, tighten up the line!!"  So we squeezed even tighter as we all stood there in shock. Everyone seems to just stop and pause - you could cut the air with a knife.  That's when my brain collapsed. "Now what?" I momentarily allow my brain to spin and regress. "Well," I thought, "Brenda you need to get a grip!" The self-parent/internal therapist kicked into overdrive. I began to dig into my psyche and mechanically apply my $100.00 per hour super-faBtastic counseling theories TO MYSELF. I usually charge myself $120.00 then go buy a nice purse but this was an emergency session with myself so I'm thinking I charged myself at least $120.00 for THAT session. 

They Made a Mistake
My nerves were on fire, I stepped slowly forward in line as 15 women before me did their individual presentation.  There I was ready to walk out... S-L-O-W-L-Y... pulling myself up straight with a slight flex in my lats, stomach in, glutes slightly flexed.  I knew the stage was indoor/outdoor carpeting and the small stage was wobbly. There I was standing as proud as I could. "Front Pose - SQUEEZE the quads, FLEX the lats.  Model pose, Back Pose... whoops, lost my balance, regained... SQUEEZE the quads, glutes, butt OUT, SQUEEZE the lats. Turn. Model Pose.  DONE.  Ushered to side of stage where I was crammed into a line.  

As I stood on stage I breathed a sigh, and said to myself, "I'm done, I'm happy with whatever happens at this point.  I did my best."  At this point maybe a few more women came out, but I was oblivious.  Then we all stood there as cheers came from the audience.  People were yelling at the top of their lungs different numbers of competitors.  The lights were on so I glanced over at the judges and noticed they kept looking at me.... or the woman next to me?  Hmmm.... So I decided to smile right back at them and change my position slightly... just in case they needed to.... ummm... look at me a bit more?  

It felt like we were up there for an hour while the judges were making their decisions.  So many women, how do they pick when we all were only up there a split second. Then it started. First Call Outs.  "Number 726, Number 718, Number 784"  Say What?  A warm numb feeling came over me.  "They must have made a mistake, but I better go... "  I wanted so badly to look down at my number just to confirm I memorized my number correctly.  But alas, no time for that JUST GO.  

There it was staring at me from beneath my feet... a BIG GIANT PINK "3".  I was in complete shock. My head was spinning and I was fighting the thoughts that they must have made a mistake and at ANYTIME they will ask me to return to the line.  I was even preparing myself for that to happen.  But it didn't.  After they moved two or three of the other women around we were quickly ushered off stage.  We all just looked at ourselves and all agreed that we just made Top 5.  I couldn't even think straight.  I went backstage grabbed my phone and called my trainer.  I was fighting back the tears of excitement and joy.  I said to him, "There were 29 women in my class and I was 3rd in pre-judging."  I honestly don't even remember what he said after that, it was all a blur.  I ran back to my room STILL wondering if they made a mistake and that they might call me and tell me they made a mistake. A mistake because the judges apparently didn't "see" what I see in the mirror. 

1.  Last year the judges were different, the main judge Sandy Willamson was not there it was a whole new panel of judges. Main judge was Peter Gordon. 

2. The lights were on (We do IT with the lights on). It was a weird experience being able to see all the way to the back of the venue - just a random observation.

3. More women, less size muscularity as compared to last year. 

4. Backstage was more organized and less congested. 

WHAT I DID DIFFERENT THIS YEAR

1. Carbs stayed much higher

2. I started my cardio a lot early which allowed me to keep carbs high while keeping muscle full. Plus I LOVE cardio it helps me so much with my mood and overall well being

3. Carb-Loaded 3 days prior. I learned from my last 2 shows I fill up well and stay pretty lean so I took a risk and loaded 200-250 each day, slowly while keeping and eye on the mirror, muscle hardness and overall "feeling." 

4. My water was higher this time too. I came in "ahead of the game" which was very helpful to be able to play with carbs/water. I just learn so much from each show so this was good!

5. Last year backstage was crazy! I started pumping up WAY too soon. This year while everyone was doing the same thing I found a corner, put my beach towel & pillow down. I plugged my headphones in with some of my meditation music and rested. I started pumping up standing in line (I kept my shoes off as long as possible). I ended up standing in line almost 1/2 hour maybe even more.

JUDGE'S FEEDBACK

This year we were given 1 week to email the main judge for feedback. I immediately emailed Mr. Gordon when I got back home and within a few hours I got the feedback that I expected & already knew.

1. Posing needs improvement (duh... Did you see it? Blah!)

2. Improve overall conditioning

3. More size in medial delt

4. Improve lean-ness in glute/ham area

A Peak Into My Personality- especially for those that don't know me... 

CONCLUDING THOUGHTS

I guess I need to end this long blog with the most significant truth I learned through this experience. Our minds are incredibly powerful and influencial in how we choose to live our "big moments" as well as our day to day activites. It can sabotage us, drive us to places we later regret and keep us living in half-truths based on some lie we somehow learned in our life. 

I am thankful everyday that long ago I took the risk and the time to focus on me, my hurts and my crazy-making. My life is full and I am at peace with who I am, with others and the world that we live in.

Dedication

I would like to dedicate this blog in honor of Joan Stawicki. She died yesterday.  She is one of the reasons I am alive & happy and living a full life. God used her supernaturally to set me free from so much posion and darkness that held me captive. I love you Joan and so happy that you are now free. 

God Bless

3 Weeks Out...What now?

It's happens at this time. Around 3 weeks out I start feeling empty and almost sad. I start realizing that all of this will end abruptly. Then what?

My last post talked about discipline. It's something that allows me to "feel" in control of my life but I know can get out of hand. So my brain goes on overdrive calculating and thinking of what my next big crazy challenge will be. I know logically that this might be my last time competing simply because of priorities and the amount time (for me) it takes away from what I'm "supposed" to be doing. I will always be active in some shape, way or form. My husband wants me to continue competing because he thinks it's "safer" & healthier than my other dream of finishing an Ironman triathlon. 

So I sit here on the bike while I finish my morning cardio pondering what's next. l am feeling empty and preparing myself for what's on the other side of the stage.  I love the training process of show prep- I am so happy and content. For me - this year- the stage is just the icing on the cake. The prize for me this year will be enjoying the excitement, meeting new and old friends & seeing what changes in  my physique actually took place.... And of course lastly to place better than last year.

My Tamee Marie suit came in yesterday and I have to say as scary as it was ordering a suit 3000 miles away it is probably my favorite suit so far. The fit is perfect and she knows how to do the stonework. Here's a sneak peek 

 

Training Update:

Things are progressing smoothly. I'm resting a lot more this time around, listening to my fatigue instead of trying to be the tough girl and powering thru.

I've been doing lunges on the treadmill to keep glutes tight.

Abs have been showing for quite a while, glutes are always slow and it always seems to be the last week they decide to behave. 

This will probably be my last selfie until the stage.  I'm a bit depleted which is okay - carbs are still high enough and I'm still cutting and mirror shows what I need to to show at 3 weeks out...  so it's all part of the game. I've had a few days of low energy so I've stopped and rested, loaded some carbs and it did the trick! 

Have a blessed Sunday - it's hot here in SUNNY Arizona

 

5 weeks out - aligning myself

Registration mailed- check. NPC card purchased-check. Suit ordered from Tamee Marie-check. Hotel, air, limo reserved-check. Leaning out slowly-check. 

Balance. Time for an alignment check. I am easily obsessed. Something that I have had to manage my entire life. You see... My mind can play tricks on me. I can become completely wrapped up in something and lose what I call alignment. 

Discipline. Is it a strength or a weakness?  When I prepped for my first show I was extremely disciplined. I followed everything obsessively to a "T." I achieved the exact body I wanted... Nailed it. Now what? What happens at the end of the road, when you've met your goal? 

What if you nailed it? Achieved the exact body you wanted. What happened next? I'll tell you what happened to me. Oddly enough I found myself struggling with pride. I prided myself on my discipline and developed and attitude of "If you want this bad enough you must lead a disciplined life"

Yes discipline is good and most definitely a requirement for healthy change but ask yourself this: What's at the end? I have learned that sometimes the behavior of discipline leads to an unhealthy state of being- which in my case, contradicted my value of trying to lead a life of humility. 

Alignment is my plumb line, my measurement tool if-you-will, to make sure my behavior & thought patterns align with what I value.  It's a good check & balance for me at this point in the game when things look good on the "outside."

Food for thought: Sometimes finding the holy grail isn't as holy as we thought it would be. 

Training update:

Today I am roughly 4 1/2 weeks out. Things seem to be ahead of schedule so I think I am pleased? I don't want to get too lean too fast. My body responded faster this time.

I am doing the exact same food prep as my last two shows. Slowly cutting, watching the mirror and scale (to watch HOW it is moving). Today I am 120.6 lbs. much heavier than last year at this time. I'm thinking it means one of two things: I have more muscle (my preferred outcome) or that I have held more muscle than last two preps. My stage weight last 2 shows was around 110-115.

Workouts (within a 7 day week)

3 workouts moderate heavy: shoulders, back, & legs

2 workouts light - medium heavy (focusing on mind-muscle connection) shoulders, lats, glutes & hams.

2 workouts arms

2 workouts calves & light abs

~20-30 minute early morning fasted sprint intervals 2-4 times per week (depending on energy)

~45 min low intensity steady state cardio after lifting 1-2 times per week (depending on energy)

~90 minute Bikram yoga once a week

~Foam rolling and stretching daily

This current routine is dependant on two variables: strength & energy. If either of these change, we change either the food, rest or training intensity... Focusing on the muscle, making sure it's staying as quality as it can.

A few pics taken on Sunday

Sheeple Sheeping- 9 Weeks out

I've failed.  I'm fairly certain that I've committed every training or nutrition crime trending on most of the more popular nutrition/training sites on social media.  Forgive me father for I have sinned against the most popular cutting edge advisors on the planet:  I've done low carb. I've loaded carbs. I've done no carb, I've done steady state fasted cardio, I've starved myself, I've not prepped my food, I've trained when I'm not supposed to. Plain and simple, I've fallen short.


You see, I've joined this exquisitely interesting underworld of figure competition.  Most of my peers, colleagues and acquaintances have no clue of this which I do.  They look at me and try to comprehend the language of the sport.  Somewhat like the adult human conversation you try have with your dog?  You know - when your dog when it turns it's head sideways desperately trying to interpret and consume what you are saying, hoping to grasp one word that they can identify with.


Well ya see, today I'm 10 weeks out, my macros are at 100/150/40 and I'll prob do fasted cardio tomorrow, maybe throw in some HIIT wrapping it up with a nice insulin spike of fast sugar - with maybe 30 grams isolate with a fructose base.  Blah blah blah blah blah.  With my calculations I should be ripped by show time. No Excuses!


OR THIS


Wow, did you see so-and-so at the last show?  They looked FANTASTIC, Dry, Cut, Shredded, Full.  Who's their trainer?  Well, your friend says, It's the great "Mr. Fantastico" with Blah Blah Training Institute.


Sheeple:I've enjoyed soaking up all of the easily attainable subjective (and even scientific) data on how to find the Holy Grail of building muscle, getting lean and walking on stage to ... um... win?  It's been interesting watching the sociological phenomenon of sheeple sheeping.  Don't do this, don't do that sort of thing, if you want "results" that is.  If we want the prize in life we must find the Holy Grail... of eating, training, sleeping.... to win the prize, that is, the goal that we seek.


I've been there.  I've been THAT person, you know... the first person on the band wagon, the first person to join and follow the latest trend, the latest new product to help you get where you want to go.  There was a time in my life that I could not think for myself.  Eventually I found myself being tossed back and forth, to and fro listening to and following (SHEEPING) every wind of every doctrine.  Ultimately leading me down a path of confusion and an absolute inability to think or reason for myself. I was led from the outside instead of the inside.  I depended upon others to guide instead of my own internal compass.


When I was in graduate school years ago, it was considered TABOO to cite any 'research' from the web.  It was considered unreliable and unsound.  It seems today that we live in an age of information overload in every area of life.  JUST GOOGLE IT.  Hmpf. As a woman that loves to research, disseminate research and look for the holes to punch through it, it baffles me that today we lean against GOOGLE or FaceBook, or Dr. Oz to guide our way.  I cannot even begin to count the number of people that grace my office with their behavioral diagnosis in their hand trying to convince me, a seasoned clinician, what their diagnosis is.  Well if I just do this, this and this... in 5 easy steps, I'll be fixed!
 
Them: "Yes, I'm certain I'm bipolar." 
Me: "How do you know" 
Them: "I Googled it" 
Me: "Where did you find your conclusion?" 
Them: "WebMD"
Me: "Oh"


Oh baby, if life's problems were that simple and easy to rend resolution.

Don't get me wrong.  There is a tremendous wealth of information out there that is incredibly useful and I apply much of it to my training and contest prep. I have just learned to KISS. Keep It Simple Stu#&*.  My own body is the best research ground to research on!  Over the past 3 years I have learned more and more, combined with menopause, how my body responds to different foods, training, and calories. Some of my routines that work are known sins within the expert & popular fitness communities.


Training Update:
I am 9 weeks out today.  I weigh 125 and the scale is coming down nice and slow.  My off season training was heavy and intense, bringing my carbs and protein up pretty high, with not as many training days per week.  Heavy deep squats (I think my heaviest at 6 reps was 210lbs with a good spot).   Also, I continued to do leg presses, weighted lunges using the TRX (one foot in sling) and of course leg extensions and curls. Heavy back (heaviest pull down (with good spot: 150 for 6 reps). Shoulders and of course my 51 year old glutes - hitting all the areas that I wanted to work on.


I'm getting ready for Pittsburgh Master's Nationals! Suit is ordered, hotel & tan are reserved, posing practice is well under way... I'm getting excited, living in the moment, enjoying my job, my family (including my 2nd grandson!) and of course my hobby... fitness.

Here's a pic of my newest grandson Ari Isaiah at 6 weeks old!

Here is a video my trainer took of me doing my last set - 25 reps at 65lbs.  We went heavy using the Olympic bar up to 100 lbs for 6 reps.  Last Set of Military


Here's a few pics I took today after my workout (9 weeks out).

 - 

My life rends something a bit different.  For me: I have found peace and contentment living under grace and not the law.  I will always fail if I succumb to a popular law of the day, formula or doctrine guaranteed to give me success.  I have learned to live life first by the Spirit that guides my Soul and my Body. Using my God-given internally driven compass and filtering information carefully as I let it in.

Simply put, I enjoy seeking truth. Truth Spiritually, in my Soul and for my Body (my physical self). I enjoy helping others find truth as well: Spiritually, in their Soul and their Body.


What doctrine do you follow?  Do follow the popular masses?


What is  your truth?


Thanks for reading... Until next time -