First Place!

Facing fear... The journey that I have been on has not been in vain.  Twenty some odd years ago, God began to do a work in my life. Mental illness, childhood trauma and abuse plagued my psyche holding me back in fulfilling my purpose. 

When we first moved to Phoenix I sensed God in a new and refreshing way - tangible and relational, close and intimate, as my friend.  I reconnected to Him and sensed him telling me that it was my time.  That all of the desperate childhood prayers pleading for rescue were now going to be answered... that the process of healing was about to begin... in the desert, in Phoenix, Arizona. I sensed him telling me that my journey to wholeness will focus on fear - facing each fear that immobilized me frozen in time.

Over the years, each fear has been faced, processed and healed:  I have been healed from an unsafe childhood. Sexual abuse and exploitation created fear and resulted in a loss of my femininity and sense of self.  A violent home created fear of man and life.

As I was about to walk on stage last Saturday, I realized that coming out on stage revealing my hard-earned physique was to be a parallel to revealing another side of my hard-earned self. I have known for a while that I was to share my story but resisted and rebelled.  It is so much easier NOT sharing than to share.  Running the risk of controversy, questioning, and the loss of my precious privacy that allows me to stay and feel in control.  Letting go of all of that and being obedient to what I sense God is telling me to do.  Going against what feels safe into uncharted territory.

The competition was a highlight of my life.  Placing first was unexpected.  I was thinking maybe second or third place.  I went ALL IN for 17 weeks and it paid off.  I trained hard, ate disciplined and practiced posing over and over and over again visualizing myself on stage.

When I made a decision to work on my fears, I went ALL IN.  I grabbed every opportunity for healing I could get my hands on.  I was passionate to be free.  I wanted it more than anything else.

First one out in my division - front pose





First one done posing - standing off to the side trying not to wobble and tumble off of those 5" heels!



All of the beautiful ladies standing off to the side waiting for call-outs



Final placement after call-outs



Evening Show - awarding the trophies!



Encouraging others...  The PRIMARY reason I decided to start a blog was to encourage others towards healthy change.  Whether it relates to facing a fear, changing an unhealthy habit or something completely different - the purpose was to use my story of change to inspire others and I really pray that did happen!

Over the years I have been a work in progress. Letting go of the fear of letting people into my private and controlled world even though I know deep in my gut my story will encourage and bring healing.


Thanking God...  Everything I do is because of Him and what He has done for me. 



Do you sense God?  Do you hear His voice calling you to do something?  Does it relate to your health and how you eat? or does He want to bring healing and wholeness to your life? 

What is holding you back?  Are you willing to go all in?

Selah

5 days out - Reflections

The past few days I have been thinking this thought: "How can something that requires so much self-less behaviors feel so selfish?"  I have sacrificed so much. Self-discipline has been on the forefront of every move I make.  I have deprived myself of foods I love, become aware of how my body responds to a variety of nutritional changes and have had to promise my husband that this will end and we will be able to break bread together soon.  But this is "all part of the game" and I knew this walking into this experiment curious to see if I could do it.

Todd encouraged me to make more out of this than "just doing a show" - He encouraged me to look at this as a spiritual fast and to use this time of "deprivation" to press into God and look for Him to teach me spiritual truths.  On my low days he kept saying, "Jesus did it for 40 days you can do it too".  Even though we laughed together, it was truth.

This is something that takes a lot of focus, time and energy, especially the last few weeks.  As I've tightened up my food, reduced the carbs and began the final preparation I realized how much time I have spent on myself.  I feel convicted.  Todd and I were talking about the fact that if we spent half as much time with God as we do training and preparing for the competition, imagine the spiritual growth that would result!  This process has taught me a very important lesson as I transition back into a normal pattern of living.  I can make more time for God if I want to.  I have proven to myself if I want to pursue Him I have the self-discipline to do so!

Training:  Today was my last day to train with Todd.  Yesterday we worked on shoulders and today we hit the back.  Workouts are still tiring and I feel somewhat weak.  The remainder of the week involves posing tomorrow one last time, packing and flying to San Diego.

Food: Today I stayed at 225gm of protein and 25gm of carbs. Todd instructed me to keep this through Friday.  At this final phase water becomes very important.  I am flooding my system with water to reduce water.  It REALLY worked for me.  I was amazed!  Here is what Todd had me do.  Saturday - Monday I consumed 2 gallons of water daily.  Today I drank 1 1/2 gallons and tomorrow I decrease to 1 gallon. Thursday only 32ozs and Friday, half of that -16ozs.  I remove sodium from my diet as best I can. 

Carb-loading the day of the show: As of TODAY, Todd is letting me choose my carbs.  I decided on brown rice cakes with almond butter and raw honey.  I could have chosen to eat pancakes or even munch on peanut M&M's.  Even though I'm craving every sweet, salty, caramel, nutty and chocolate decadence available to man, I settled on something clean and nutritious.  I carted my sweet self to Sprouts and just truly enjoyed loitering in the peanut butter and honey isle trying to pick out my sweet sweet lovely food. Tonight I am packing all of this into my suit case along with ALL of my lotions and hair products!

Body Fat: I went to my doctor's office to get my body fat checked one last time.  DXA scans are the most reliable and I only pay $50.00 and was able to use my HSA account to pay for it.  I was thinking I would come in around 13% and so did Todd.  I was very surprised to hear that it was 9.3%.  Very interesting since I know I still have fat on my body that is visible.  One would think that at that percentage I would look anorexic and "skinny."

 

Concluding Thoughts I won't have time to post these last few days before I leave for the competition.  Tonight I am blessed that God brought someone like Todd Chambers into my life to train me and prep me for the stage.  I would not have done this without him and I would not have chosen anyone else but him, he is trustworthy and safe.  I have sincerely appreciated his integrity, love for the Lord and patience with me as I ask some of the most insane and redundant about my body, nutrition and exercise questions. 

   

 

 

Do you struggle with selfishness?  I am convicted but need to stop and remember that I have already worked through false guilt "rules" that tried to tell me that I wasn't worth much unless I was "giving" and "sacrificing." I created my own rules that prevented me from doing things that made just ME happy - the guilt was paralyzing. Now I can observe my convictions and make changes accordingly - NOT feel false guilt but make adjustments.  I may do another show.  I may take three months of my life AGAIN to focus on self-discipline.  Who knows. That's where I'm at today. 

 

Interesting.... Until after the competition... 

2 Weeks Out - Unexpected Blessings

So when I first thought about blogging my story I must admit I felt embarrassment and shame.  I mentioned it to a few people and they looked at me sideways.  Ugh... that warm feeling that only a shame-based person knows and experiences.  The voices trying to come into my head and tell me "how stupid a blog is" and "that people don't really want to know how crazy you are."  Thankfully I have been healed and know how to face those feelings head on so that they will not get a grip.  What, you ask?  If you are "healed" then why do you still experience shame?  My answer to that is, when a person has had shame ingrained into their DNA as I did, it is a life-long journey of attacking the thought processes that hold us captive.  I am completely free in my body, soul and spirit.  I know that shameful feelings come.  And that shameful feelings go... they pass... they don't last and more importantly they don't define me.

I held tight to that still small voice that said, "Someone will be blessed by your story, it will help them."  I knew in my rational mind that if one person was encouraged then I would be blessed and my mission would be accomplished.  I did not want this journey to be about me it had to be something replicable.  Ha - is that even a word? Wow, the wordsmith has arisen!

Today, for the first time, I sent my link to the blog to someone.  Sometimes God just puts the right person in the right place at the right time.  He did that today.  And I am blessed, humbled and thankful.  Living in the present.

 

So I am 2 weeks out as of this past Saturday (October 13th).  We are down to the wire, finishing touches on training, posing, and nutrition.  Last week's posing session was interesting.  Todd said I was holding water, which was okay.  I was very surprised considering that I stepped on the scale and dropped 4 pounds overnight!  He said I looked "depleted" and that I probably lost water from my muscles.  A lot of this doesn't really make perfect sense in my head but I will just have to trust him when he says my body is doing what it is supposed to be doing at this point. 

Training:  I am continuing to train as usual but this is my last full week!  I am tired, have no energy and each workout is very difficult.  I have lost my drive that I normally have when I am in the gym.  But this is what Todd warned me about from the very beginning.  This part of the process SUCKS.  It's true.  The euphoric feelings I used to get when I worked out, the sense of calm and peacefulness after the workout... Gone.   I get up in the morning after a full night sleep and I'm drained.  I'm hungry immediately after a meal.  I spend countless hours on Pinterest pinning every Thanksgiving pumpkin and sweet potato dessert and recipe known to man.  I have every caramel, nutty, chocolate, sweet, salty crunchy bar and cookie ever invented pinned.  If you don't know Pinterest, you need to come out of your cave, NOW.

Food: Todd is keeping me with the carb-cycling plan.  180gm protein/75gm carb for 2 days, 225gm protein/25gm carb 2 days, 225gm protein one day.  Again, this is very difficult.  Not even a diet coke feels like a treat anymore.  I am completely deprived and am in what feels like a "fasted" state.  My husband has been gently and sweetly saying, "I can't wait until we can have lunch together again." 

Progress Pics 

So, in closing.... where are you at today?  Do you experience shame?  How does it hold you back from being YOU or doing what you love?  Does it hold you back from adventure, from taking a risk?  Are you afraid of what people "might think?" 

Until Next Time - ....

3 weeks out!

Well, I think I can say the party's over.  Those good days I described in previous posts are now replaced with fatigue and fog.  The phrase that pops into my head is "putting the nose to the grindstone!"  The past two weeks have taken a strange but expected turn that most people have warned me about.  Fatigue, irritability, low brain function, and lack of motivation.  The symptoms I am experiencing now were the ones that went away along time ago when I decided to change how I ate.  It's amazing how important the role of food plays in how you feel!  Apparently this is all part of the process and at this point I'm trying real hard to stay in the moment and "enjoy" the process.

Food Todd changed my food last week, I am now "carb-cycling." I am on a 5 day rotation.  The first two days I eat 225gms protein and 25gms carbs, the third day I eat only 225 gms of protein and the last two days 180 gms protein and 75 gms carbs.  The first three days are the toughest, naturally!  25 grams of carbs is NOTHING and it took me about an hour trying to figure out spliting 50% of 25gms between breakfast and post workout and then splitting the remaining morsels between the other meals.  It sounds complicated and it somewhat was. By the third day (no carbs whatsoevery), I am shot... that's where the fatigue and low brain function come into play.

My current protein sources are tilapia, ground turkey breast (99% fat free), chicken breast and egg whites.  My carbs remain white & brown rice and yam.

Last week I started noticing some bloating so for one week I eliminated my sugar-free pancake syrup and diet soda.  THAT WAS HARD.... I had no pleasure food whatsoever! I still feel bloated and don't quite know the source yet.

Training I can only think of a couple words right now: IT SUCKS.  The fatigue and lack of motivation distract me from the joy I normally have when I walk into the gym.  I am weak and tired and push through every set and every repitition.

Last week I strained my low back doing stiff legged dead lifts.  Today (5 days later) I am much better after applying heat/ice on my back.  Sunday I dropped a 35 lb plate on my pinky.  I attribute these injuries to lack of focus and not paying close attention to what I amdoing.

My workout routine remains the same, and extra day of lunges on the treadmill.  Right now the main goal is hitting all of my muscle groups hard and keeping the muscle full and to the surface.

Competition Suit  Last Friday we headed to NUPARR to order our suits.  I ended up choosing a bright periwinkle blue suit.  I will go back this Friday for the fitting and order the "bling" (crystals).  It's hitting home that in less than 3 weeks I will be on stage showing all of my hard work!

October 7th: My Anniversary & My Grandson's birthday So yesterday my husband and I celebrated our 30th wedding anniversary and our grandson Ravi's first birthday.  This was a very tough day.  It's not every day that you acheive these two milestones and on the same day.  The party for Ravi was held in Saroj and Ramesh's backyard (my son-in-law's parent's house).  The weather was absolutely beautiful, the backyard decorated with first birthday "everything."  I wanted so bad to eat the wonderful cake and the fantastic food that Ramesh and Saroj put together.  I had moments of strong temptation to eat the pita chips, tortilla chips and the fresh cilantro jalepeno hummus.  Oh an not to mention Saroj's exquisite potato salad, one of my all time favorite foods.  I struggled the entire evening.  I did lick the frosting in honor of Ravi - I don't think that will set me back too far!

 

So I have finally noticed some significant changes in my physique.  I am excited to show you the changes!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 Today as I finish this blog I remind myself that why I am doing this.  I want to learn about self-discipline, grow through "not caring so much about what people think of me" and just feel connected to myself in a new way.  Is doing a figure competition the best way to accomplish this?  Up to this point my answer is most definitely a YES.  I needed a goal that would push me to stay strong and finish the race! 

What goals do you have, if any?  Are they acheivable? Realistic?

Until next time....

6 Weeks out!!

So by this Friday I will actually be 3 weeks out from the show but life just got in the way and I admit it, I'm a slacker with my grandious idea of a beautifully laid out blog describing the details of my thoughts and progress on this journey.

I will say that I have never in my life become so in tune with my body, my physique and nutrition! When a person like me has lived MOST of her life detatched from the 'physical self, it is an eye opener. Sometimes I wonder how many other people just detach themselves unintentionally or intentionally?  I love the feeling of reconnection to myself - it's invigorating and makes me feel alive.  Being detached and feeling like you are in a dream is a strange concept to most... but I love the temporary feeling of connection. 

Food
At 6 weeks out, Todd decided to keep my protein at 180 grams and carbs at 75 grams.  He said I was still coming down nicely and didn't want me to get too lean too fast.  There is a concept in training for competion called "peaking."  - that is the sweet spot where you look your absolute best. Todd said I'm pretty lean right now and doesn't want to run the risk of peaking too soon.

I am no longer on any grains as a source for carbs.  I am strictly eating only yams and rice. Yup - just that!! It is amazing how GOOD I feel.  I have been tossing around the idea of eating more gluten-free, even though I am able to handle gluten so far.

My breakfast includes 30 gms of eggwhites cooked with sugar-free pancake syrup and and nice side of white rice.  Todd wants me to use the white rice as my "fast carb" first thing in the morning to raise my blood sugar.  So far it's been working nicely.

I continue to cook my fish and chicken.  I buy the Kirkland chicken breasts from Costco.  They are the leanest and taste the best! I have tried all kinds of chicken at local groceries sacrificing quality for price.  At this stage of the game, I need good chicken and will pay a few extra cents for fresh and tasty chicken.

Training
Todd has asked that I start hitting my high hamstring and glute AND my shoulders 3 times a week. My shoulders are coming in nicely but I still need to hit them to keep the muscle hard.  My age is really showing in my glutes! I cant reverse sagging skin but I can certaintly work my "ASS" off trying to tighten things up as much as I can.  Todd said the goal is to try bring as much of the muscle to the surface which is what I am trying to do.

Specifice high hamstring low glute workouts usually consist of Smith Machine leg presses (see previous video post), heavy deep lunges with 35 lbs weights, glute flexor holding a 35lb plate, TRX lunges, and stiff legged dead lifts using the olympic bar-close grip legs straight, together and TIGHT... squeezing those glutes and hamstrings!

Progress Pics

So here I am at about 116 lbs.  I hope you can see the difference.  These pics were very encouraging for me... I have been doing this for a while now and wasn't really seeing my muscle come to the surface so I was pleased.

 

 

 

Here you get a sneak peek of a "model" pose that is required for the San Diego show.

Subjective Thoughts
I have always enjoyed studying human behavior - other people and my own quirky self. So it's probably time to start talking about how different people react to what I'm doing. Sometimes I think I create my own insanity.  I automatically assume that people are going to judge me negatively... tell me I'm self-centered, self-obsessed and narcissistic or any other "self" absorbed word you can think of. 

As I get leaner (and today at almost 3 weeks out, I am very very lean), I am getting all sorts of comments and stares.  When I enter the gym, men are sneeking a peek at me while I train.  I don't quite know what to do with all of that.  I don't know what they are thinking and probably shouldn't care.  I do wonder if they know if I am 50... "dude, I'm 50" It's just an interesting observation.

I can really see how women can fall into the trap of feeling good about themselves by how they look and by how men stare.  As a therapist, I know all to well who those women are.  The temporary high of feeling attractive and loved by mere appearance alone.  Getting trapped in a lost identity that is literally only skin-deep.  Then it becomes my job to walk along side of them and clean up the mess and help them restore their identity.

My father sexualized women.  He sexualized me.  What does all of that mean?  I know one thing.  He could only view women as sex.  This has had a profound impact on me.  One of my life-struggles is trying to figure out what it means to be female.  My most important role model, my father, contaminated my brain and identity so I have been on a journey of discovery.  For years I have had a self-hatred of my body.  My dysmorphic thoughts have told me that I have a very boyish shape and lack feminity and beauty.  I have hated the way I walk and the way I look and society's standards (and my father's) tell me I don't measure up.  So this process I am in has been healing at another deeper level. I detached from my feminine self long ago - and - my journey of healing that began 23 years ago still continues today.

Romans 8:28 says, "We are assured and know that [ God being a partner in their labor] all things work together and are [fitting into a plan] for good to and for those who love God and are called according to [His] design and purpose"

Yes, even the crappiest of crap... God can use.  I want only to be an encouragement and example that self-discipline produces change and that YOU can do it too.  You are worth it.

9 Weeks Out - getting leaner!

As I write this, I am well into Phase III! Todd reduced my carbs from 100 grams to 75grams but he is keeping my protien at 180gms.  My life to this point has been egg whites, quinoa, chicken breast, lean white fish, rice and yams. Oh yeah, and the precious Pellegrino with fresh squeezed lemon and lime! I have had some tough days with food cravings but they are not the norm.  I am very pleased with how I feel.  I was anticipating a much more sluggish and drained "feel" while I train but it seems my workouts have become more efficient and I continue to feel very strong.

Food Tips:  I decided to stay away from so much salsa for one simple reason: garlic breath!  I have switched to Jalepeno Tobasco sauce and Red Hot Buffalo Wing sauce. I put it on anything and everything just to spice it up! I have found Walden Farms sugar-free pancake syrup.  This is a treat and I dip my egg whites in it.  I try to stay away from processed "anything" and sugar-free syrup IS processed so I go easy - but still... a nice TREAT.  Lastly, I have found a jerk rub from World Market that I put in my ground turkey breast.  It gives it a BITE! 

I still buy my food in bulk and try to cook up on Sunday afternoons.  THIS IS HARD!  I just want to lay on the couch but have to force myself to plan, plan, plan and cook, cook, cook.  I will tell you right now, the pay off is worth it... seeing my physique change into something I never thought possible at my age!

Training I continue to train Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday & Sunday.  Cardio is at 2.5 hours per week (one hour of lunges on Sunday).  I am focusing on weaker muscle groups and for me that is low glute, high hamstring & shoulders. Todd has noticed the shoulders are starting to take shape so I will pull back on those extra training days for now!.  This has been an interesting journey for me because I can't seem to zero in on those muscles when I train.  It seems my low  hamstring takes alot of the hit when I do specific movements.  Here is a video showing a new move that seems to work for me.

Smith Machine Glute Press:  Here is a video of my first practice on targeting the glute:  I am underneath pushing the bar up with my foot and SQUEEZING my glute. Very precise and slow movement for me right now - just trying to get the feel and zero in my mind to the muscle.

Delt Raises: It took me a while to master this move as well.  Mind to muscle connection is the theme for my training these days.  Todd had to correct my form because I had a tendency to pull my shoulders back while lifting the dumbell.  Here is a front and rear shot

San Diego show      August 21st my two partners in crime - Ruthie and Stacy-  took a quick road trip to San Diego to check out a California NPC show.  We noticed that the production company and entire show had a much more laid back feel than the Arizona show we visited in July.  We met some really nice people and was able to connect with a posing coach: Alyssa Parker.  We plan to head out one more time before the show and Alyssa will help us with posing.

Suit Selection  Last week Ruthie and I went to NUPARR in Phoenix.  We tried on some suits and learned that we will need to come back to order our suits when we are within 8 pounds of our competition weight.  Suits start at 180.00 and add any bling and the price goes up.  We are probably going to add our own bling so I have been studying alot of suits and designs. 

Progress Pics:

 

 

At 9 weeks I am 119 lbs, waist is 26.5.  Todd is watching me closely and says "I'm coming down nicely, not too fast which is good" -

Impressions: Learning to live in the moment.  Proverbs 21:5 "The thoughts of the [steady] diligent tend only to plenteousness, but everyone who is impatient and hasty hastens only to want."  I have learned to live more in the moment.  I have lived most of my life hypervigilant, always looking to the left and to the right; ahead and behind... subconsciously waiting for the next traumatic event whether it was real or perceived.  This process has helped me live and breath right now in the moment... to experience what is happening to my body, in my thought life, and what the Spirit might be telling me.  I am learning to worry less, trust more and relax in the presence of God knowing He has me in the palm of His hand - I am perfectly safe and secure in Him.

Stay steady, in Him... until next week - 7 weeks out, Phase VI will be under way!



12 Weeks out

Wow, so this is a wee bit late but like I said before, I'm not much of a blogger and time slipped away.  Here are some noteable changes and updates since last progress post. 

Todd made a couple of changes 3 weeks ago.  Reduced my carbs to 100grams per day and added one hour of lunges on the treadmill, once a week.  Yes, you heard me right, 1 HOUR of lunges on the treadmill.  Hello glutes!  I told Todd the first 10 minutes I lived in what I named, "The Profanitarium" - learning new curse words. To get through the lunges I decided to work in 10 minute incremements giving myself 1 minute or so to stop and drink water.  By the time I got to 40 minutes I was able to ignore the gawking from the bystanders and realized that it wasn't so bad.  I was pleased that the next day I could feel the workout in my glutes!

My body, the laboratory:  One thing I've learned is to become more self-aware of the small changes that are occuring and to not stress out if the scale doesn't move.  I've stayed at 125 pounds but I have gotten leaner.  Todd thinks it possible that I may have increased muscle while becoming lean.  I continue to maintain strength and energy.

Planning my food: Probably the biggest learning curve for me lately is self-discipline. Since I don't have a wife and regardless of how tired or lazy I am, I MUST prep my food for the week - on Sunday.  It is NOT fun running to the store in 115 degree heat, drive to the stores that have the cheapest ground turkey breast, or the best chicken breast or even the cheapest egg whites.  But I have to make myself do it regardless of how I "feel".  I have had to push through fatigue and irritiblity but mostly laziness.  Sundays has always been MY day where I just allow myself to sit on the couch and just be still. 

It usually takes me 2 - 3 hours including weighing, measuring and storing my food.  I have learned what works best for me - keeping it simple.  Cooking does not come naturally for me... I have always enjoyed cooking but only when I have time to plan and it is for a special occasion.  I look at food as fuel for the next few months and not something to "enjoy."  It works for me, for now!

Each week I rotate 3 carb choices with my protein.  I cook up either yams, quinoa or brown rice, enough for a week (6 meals per day equaling 100gms).  I have learned to eye-ball what 12 grams of carbs looks like.  I store it in a ziplock bag ready to throw in my cooler to take to work.  Next I choose my protein for the week: Fish (tilapia), turkey, or chicken.  I am intentional with "real protein" because "real food" is better for me than protein powder (and protein powder is expensive!)."  I either recruit my husband to cook my chicken on the grill, or I suck it up and fire up the George Foreman grill and cook everything either with that, bake in the oven, or use my rice cooker to steam my meat.

Progress Pics -  (taken August 6th)

Today I am grateful for what God has done in my life. He has taken a broken shame-based woman hating every part of who she was and transformed her into something completely different. 

I am thankful that I have the time to focus and workout.  I am learning a new type of self-discipline with food, pushing my cravings of my flesh aside for a larger goal.

What are you thankful for?  What area of your life needs more self-discipline?  How will you be intentional in moving towards healthy and sustaining changes? 

This Friday will be the end of Phase II.  I will have more pics of progress then.  Stay tuned.

1981

I can remember almost every minute of it, the day my reality changed forever. I was sitting in my dorm room my sophomore year in college.  I was thinking about my boyfriend joining the Army.  I look back now and still wonder what really caused it.  Was it flawed genetics?  Childhood trauma? PTSD?

 I still wonder why this was to be my thorn in my flesh:  The one thing that drew me to God; the one thing that still to this day keeps me dependent upon Him?

I was laying on my bed. Out of nowhere I felt myself leaving my body. I thought I was dying.  My heart was racing, and the closest word to describe - dizzy.  For some reason I grabbed my throat and my roomate panicked.  She thought I was choking.  She asked if she should call 911.  Eventually the dizziness went away but what was left was a surreal feeling of being in a dream.  The experts call it detachment.  I happened to be in an abnormal psychology class and stumbled across symptoms that somewhat described the sensations that took place that day.  Panic.  What it didn't describe was the intense feeling of living in a dream, not in reality. 

It wasn't until much later that I learned what was really wrong with me.  Depersonalization disorder or Derealization disorder. 

Depersonalization disorder symptoms include:

• Continuous or recurring feelings that you're an outside observer of your thoughts, your body or parts of your body
• Numbing of your senses or responses to the world around you
• Feeling like a robot or feeling like you're living in a dream or in a movie
• The sensation that you aren't in control of your actions, including speaking
• Awareness that your sense of detachment is only a feeling, and not reality

Other symptoms can include:

• The sense that your body, legs or arms appear distorted, enlarged or shrunken
• Feeling like you are observing yourself from above, as if you were floating in the air
• Feeling emotionally disconnected from people you care about

If I think too hard about what I feel and experience on a day to day basis it becomes too overwhelming.  I look in the mirror and see a stranger.  That is probably the most difficult area I have had to manage.  I don't see me, rather a different person.

I have had to find ways to FEEL REAL and grounded in reality.

So why am I talking about this? Because it's time I start talking about it.  And, probably because it helps me justify some of this crazy things I get myself into.  For example; a figure competition, at age 50.

• I have learned that physical exersice has been one of the most soothing ways to cope with living in a dream.  For some reason pushing my physical body to extreme allows me to feel real - to feel, for a brief amount of time, connected to reality.

• I could probably start an entire blog on how I have learned to stand strong.  But I will stop and give thanks to God for giving me a tenacious fighting resilient spirit.  I could have checked out long ago but I made a decision to fight this.

• I kept this under wraps up until today.  Maybe it was pride, not wanting people to look at me differently.  Maybe embarrassement.  Or, maybe I wanted to be perceived as normal.  Whatever it maybe be, welcome to my world.

Stay tuned, my next blog will have updated pictures of my progress, workouts, and nutrition changes.

Week 1-Numbers

Today I am 15 weeks out from the show.  I met with Todd (my trainer) on Friday to go over my food plan for Phase One.  He said this phase will be cleaning up my food.  It was also time to get on the scale and measure body fat percentage... Ugh, here we go with the numbers.  I thought I had come pretty far with the scale and body fat but the anxiety came right back.  This time I am going to choose to face this head on.

Here is my food for the next three weeks:

180gm Protein and 155gm carbs daily, split equally over 6 meals.  50% of my carbs is consumed between breakfast and post-workout.  Wow, did this take me a while to place neatly in my box.  "What if I have a 6AM workout, how do I get 50% of my carbs in then?"  Hmmm let's see: 1/2 of 155 is 77.5gms.  So just cut that in half and have 38gms before (breakfast) and 38gms after (in my post-workout shake)... duh!

Here are some pics of my closest friends over the next 15 weeks.

25gms carbs/30gm protein powder added to my oatmeal

Rice/Quinoa cooker



Protein Powder and colorful shakers!

George Forman Grill!!!



So the process is more tricky than I thought.  Yeah you get on stage and pose and flex but the main goal during this next 15 weeks is to get lean and maintain muscle.  Todd wants me to be around 10% - 14% body fat.  But most importantly it's about what I look like, how my body responds to the food plan and maintaining muscle.  So as this journey unfolds, we will know more. 

After an awesome back workout it was time to get on the scale and measure body fat.  Todd warned me that after a workout the numbers can be skewed.  At 1:00PM on Friday, July 13th I weighed in at 131lbs at 23% body fat.  WHAT!??!!!

2 months ago I had a DEXA scan done at my physician's office.  DEXA scan is primarily used for women to measure bone density.  But the fitness industry has grabbed hold of its precise technology for measuring body fat.  So $50.00 later I learned that at 5'4" I had 19% body fat at 125 lbs.

Pics for Week 1: 15 weeks out

Phase One ends  Friday, August 3rd... more pics then!

Breaking the Rules

July 7th marks a half-century in my life.  I have always wanted to somehow write my story mostly to leave it for my children. But, if I can help one person through encouragement or inspiration I will be blessed.  I'm not a writer, I don't even really like to read. This blog is one giant experiment.  First, to see if I can handle the commitment and personal goal of coming out of my closet and sharing more of my heart to those that might want to hear . Second, to tell some of my story, lessons learned and share my progress as I experiment with breaking some of my rules through my new fitness goal.

Laying the Foundation

Personal Hang-Up #1: Living my life by certain rules that have absolutely no explanation but come from some strange vortex in my head.  I know certain types of people are wired to be driven by rules and regulations and maybe I am one of them.  But I have learned through my own healing process that rules have served a purpose but have not always been good for me now.  As a child, they gave me a framework or a necessary security.  But as an adult I have learned that some rules need to be broken because they hold me back from forward movement and healthy change. They can feel safe, but for me, they have really been a hindrance from receiving ALL that God promises me.  I call it sick-safety.  Sick but familiar, safe but sick. 

My childhood did not allow for safety and security.  When I chose to face my fear and my past, I made a conscious decision to become aware of when those rules are in operation, evaluate if they need adjustment and make changes accordingly... not an easy process.

Changing the Middle-Aged Rules

When I began triathlon my rules were challenged: Rule: "Middle-aged women cannot do triathlon."  I am thankful for Tanya Maslach (check out her organization here) and Sara Landolt (follow her blog here).  I met these two beautiful women through technology - the Internet.  They helped me understand that it is never too late and that I could do it!  Another rule that changed... Rule: "You need to be an athletic super-freak and be super fit and thin to compete in triathlon".  That is also not true.  Baby-boomers are realizing age is just a number. As I read and research I am finding out many people my age are doing things never thought possible.

At 155lbs in 2009 (I peaked at 165lbs in 2004) I thought that I had to settle with how crappy I felt. When I met Todd, he helped me work through my rules about food. I had been living in a world of calorie counting and restriction.  I didn't trust him and his way of thinking.  The scale and the NUMBER on the scale is not absolutely necessary, only to monitor progress.  Todd taught me that the two things that really matter are:  What you put in your mouth and what you see in the mirror.

It was a difficult process trusting a completely new way of eating.  I had to challenge all of my beliefs I had about food, nutrition and managing weight.  I replaced my old beliefs with a new statement: "Why not try it, what else do I have to lose, my old ways weren't working" It sounds simple but as I embarked on the new process I was telling myself this over and over.

Breaking the Rules

After the weight came off and saw that I could gain strength and put muscle back on I remembered that my 50th year was the year I had wanted to do a full Ironman triathlon.  But I also knew that my life had taken a turn.  I had been given a new health & wellness department to build and manage which required a lot of my time.  Over the past year and a half, I have enjoyed assisting and teaching fitness classes.  I became a certified Les Mills Bodypump instructor.  I was enjoying and living life to the fullest.  I realized that there was no way I could train for an Ironman (a full year commitment). I had to let that dream go - for now.

I blame my husband for my new goal.  He was the one that introduced me to bodybuilding 30 years ago.  When I met him, he brought me into the gym at Concordia College where we met 32 years ago!! He began teaching me about weightlifting and building muscle.   Our first years of marriage were spent in military weight rooms.  I learned to squat and bench press.  I loved the feeling of pushing heavy weight, I loved the look of muscle on the female physique.  It symbolized strength and beauty, and back then broke the rules of femininity as being "skinny."  These women were strong and beautiful. I was hooked. 

Rachel McLish

Cory Everson

I learned about Rachel McLish and Cory Everson, two female bodybuilders in the early 1980's that shaped the future for women and bodybuilding.







LIFE LESSON   Using other people's stories of change can help you break the rules that dictate and hold you back in life.

Four years ago Tanya Maslach and Sara Landolt helped me change my rules. Today, Ernestine Shepherd is helping me change my rules.  She is in the Guiness World Book of Records as the world's oldest bodybuilder at age 76. Check out her website Here

Wha? 76?!! Are you serious?  I read her story.  At 56 she started her metamorphosis.  I then started thinking... hmmm. Could I?

My internal dialogue goes something like this:

Voice #1 "You can't do this, you are too old." 
Voice#2 "But this is something you wanted to do when you were younger but life got in the way"
Voice #1 "What will people think?" 
Voice#2 "But what if I just try, I really want to see if I can challenge myself and have the self-discipline"
Voice #1  "What if you fail, what will people think?"

MY CHALLENGE TO YOU: Do you have goals, dreams? What rules hold you back from acheiving a goal or a dream?

So I end this blog by sharing with you my next risk, goal or maybe dream? October 27th, 2012 I have chosen to go to San Diego, California for my first women's figure competition.  Why there? They have a 50+ division!!

Click  Here to check it out. 

 Am I crazy? Probably.  Will I fail? I might. 

Stay tuned...

Change

So here I am, sitting in front of my laptop pondering and feeling contemplative about turning 50 on Saturday.  Let me set the stage.  Four years ago I turned a new leaf in my life.  My children grew up; one got married and had a baby.  I didn’t realize the impact this life transition would have on me.  I began my new life with triathlon and had an absolute blast.  I ran my first half-marathon and first ocean water triathlon at 48 years of age.  I never imagined myself accomplishing these goals.  But most importantly I never imagined that facing fear and coming to the end of myself would be the most significant accomplishment through these experiences.

In the past 18 months a lot has changed - again.  I was asked to provide oversight to a new health & wellness department at my church, which incidentally is where I work - as a pastor.  Our lead pastor, my boss, struggles with weight.  He met a trainer, Todd Chambers, who helped him get his life back on track.  Since then we have started a health & wellness ministry at our church under the direction of Mr. Chambers.

Of course this was exciting to me since I have always been passionate about fitness.  Over the past 18 months, we have held numerous nutrition and fitness classes.   It has been an absolute joy to watch people get excited about exercise and meet their own personal weight loss goals.  Since meeting Todd, I have reached my own personal weight loss goal of losing 40 pounds and gaining strength and muscle I never thought possible at my age. 

Here is a picture of me right before running my first half-marathon in January 2011.  I weighed in at 155 pounds at 5ft 4” (body fat 24%).

After my race I decided to sit down with Todd myself and see what his “miracle plan” as Pastor Dan had boasted from the pulpit in January - had to offer me.   As Todd’s boss, I had better figure out what he was all about.  And, as a goal oriented person, I chose a date of October 7^th 2011 to get the fat off – that was the due date of Ravi, my precious grandson.

In February 2011, I sat down with Todd in Paradise Bakery, of all places, to review my eating patterns and evaluate the best place for me to start.  With pride I laid out the fact that I had little to no appetite and am rarely hungry.  Wrong answer.  Not feeling hunger until 2 or 3PM is not good.  I learned that my body entered starvation mode and that any food that entered my body it would hold onto for dear life – as if I were on a desert island.  He sternly instructed me to take the next few weeks eating anything and everything. Wha?  Of course I was immediately frustrated because I NEED TO BE IN CONTROL.  He refused to let me know what would happen next.

Finally I texted him very frustrated and said, “I am starving all of the time, how am I going to lose weight fighting this ravenous hunger.”  He replied, “Perfect that was what I was waiting to hear!” UGH – what the…?! I learned that my metabolism had slowed and my body was in starvation mode due to all of the years of calorie counting and calorie restricting to compensate from binge eating.

From that point on he put me on a low carb, lean protein and healthy fat eating plan.  During that time I was strength training 3 times per week and training for another half-marathon in late 2011.  The pounds came off, week by week.  Some weeks were slow but some were fast.  There was no way to predict what my body was going to decide to do.  But there was one thing that I knew – that I held on to.  I really wanted to make a healthy and sustainable change in my eating.  I was not wrapped up in outward appearance, getting rid of cellulite or any other fleshly goal.  I just wanted to live the rest of my life feeling good and full of energy and life.  It was a commitment that needed to supersede all of the distractions that this food saturated culture lures me into.

Here is a pic of me in October 2011.  I met my goal, met my grandson on October 7^th, 2011 (my 29^th anniversary!) and turned a new chapter in my life - 115lbs 19% body fat.  But most importantly, I feel great.  I sleep better, need less sleep, energy is through the roof!

What was next?  I met my weight loss goal and decided that I wanted to see what my body could do at my age! I wanted to try get as strong and add as much muscle as I could.  That meant another level of eating and training.  Here is a picture of my back in December of 2011, after the weight loss.  Notice how "soft" I look.  I was "depleted" - my body used my fat stores and my muscles were crying for glycogen.  I learned that sometimes you need to get the fat of first, then to stay lean, add muscle! 

Todd put me on a high protein (lean meats, egg whites and fish) carb cycling eating plan.  I consumed approximately 140 – 200 grams of protein and between 50 and 200 grams of healthy and clean carbs daily depending on how heavy I trained in the gym.  Here is a pic from June 2012, 6 months after.

Lessons learned:

1) Make healthy change a priority in your life

2) Stay focused on your own personal goals - don't be distracted by other people's goals, successes, physiques and genetics.

3) Make friends with people that VALUE healthy living and eating

What’s next.  Stay tuned… I'm not done, just getting started.  Remember 50 is the "go-ahead" signal, honey!!  I hope you will follow me as I unravel my story woven through my blog.