The Past
As I went through my own healing from depression, anxiety, dissociation and traumatic childhood I carried a heavy weight on my shoulders. The weight was a secret. I always FELT very different from everyone, plagued with shame and self hatred - less than everyone else.
Fast forward to today
I have learned that so many women struggle with these same issues. When I tell them that they are NORMAL, the relief that comes across their face is amazing. Their countenance changes and they sigh a breath of relief, "Really?" they say. I respond, "yes, normal." and they say, "I thought I was the only one."
Healing and personal growth never ends. As I have moved into this crazy world of competing I have needed more healing & guidance. My head goes places that it never should. I thought I should share some of my current struggles as I prep for the stage again. My hope is that I will encourage those few women that feel "different" or "less than" in life.
Being vulnerable has never been one of my strengths. As I blog my second journey to the stage I will do my best to do what I believe God has called me to do, that is... be transparent.
Irrational Thoughts The idea of competing at nationals at first may have felt grandiose. Why? My brain went haywire concocting fear and irrational thinking. Pulling myself in, regrouping and being willing to be vulnerable with my trainer helped me put my thoughts back together and regain perspective.
Irrational Thought #1: You don't have enough muscle
Irrational Thought #2: My competitors all "take" things to make them bigger
Irrational Thought #3: You don't belong there (Nationals)
Irrational Thought #4: Who do I think I am, I don't belong there, I'm old and lack experience
Irrational Thought #5: You are right in the middle of 'the change' - your body is too old and needs the hormones
One would think that all of the motivational posters on FB and great opportunities I have to ignore thoughts like this would work.... but alas, humanity takes over and I slip back to an old, familiar place.... TEMPORARILY.
It is NORMAL to slip back into old patterns of behaving & thinking. We all do it, we are not perfect. Years ago I didn't have the tools to attack unhealthy thoughts in my brain, now I do. I know now that having healthy people in your life that "see" you and bring you back is vital to staying emotionally healthy.
My trainer told me three things that forced me to stop in my tracks, regroup and gain a new perspective.
He used the example of Peter from the Bible, Jesus was walking on the water and asked Peter to step out of the boat. Peter DID walk on the water but as he took his eyes off of Jesus and became frightened he started sinking (in context 1st box below).
Self-Awareness is the ability to know who you are, how you behave and your impact on others. It is good to have others around that bump you back to balance. My contest prep will be fun, a learning experience and of course living in the moment.
And Now for Something Completely Different: PROGRESS
Today I am 11 weeks out. I thought it might be interesting to compare what 12 weeks out last year/last show to 11 weeks out this year/this show. Tuquise suit is August 2012. Green suit is April 2013. Same weight exactly: 121 lbs.
Carbs are at 180, protein at 200. FOR NOW.
TRAINING
Monday~Rest
Tuesday~Back
Wednesday~Legs
Thursday~Heavy Shoulders
Friday~Rest
Saturday~Heavy Legs
Sunday~Light Shoulders
NO CARDIO-Yet....
For those that want to know more about Peter, Jesus and FEAR here is a link to the passage I was referring to Matthew 14:22-31
Until next time...
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